Every small thing sends me into a spiral, whether good or bad. So I could ignore my fatigue and just keep on keeping on, or when I can, take the time to care for whatever emotional scrapes and bruises I’ve accumulated that day. Not only do I actually heal and get stronger, but I can prevent some of the injuries in the first place.

When I left home, everything went to crap. Now, you might think that having university classes would make me get up and go, but since there was no one to yell at me at home for missing school, I went less and less often, being less and less present, not completing homework, retaking classes, asking for second chance after second chance, until finally dropping out.

I think part of it is that I’ve been trying so hard to make positive changes in my life, and those of you like me will understand that positive changes can be the worst ones of all. Not only does it get your hopes up, but it can also make you neglect some of your strategies because you’re “feeling better.” Without a doubt, when we can we have to be willing to try or keep trying, but those bad habits and maladaptive behaviours won’t leave or be controlled without a lot of kicking and screaming.

How’s life treating you this fine day? I’m on my way to the gym for the second time this week, and I must say, it feels good to feel good. Sort of. It’s an adjustment. But I’m trying to be okay with it.

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Do you see where I’m going with this story? Even though I’ve gotten to the point where I’ve conceived of every metaphor under the son to try and understand what’s going on in my head, maybe this is new to you – if you’ve got an emotional disability like depression, or anxiety, or something more complex like borderline or ADHD, you’re playing the game of life without emotional shoes.

So, how do I consolidate this emotional debt so I can start paying off several things a little at a time? I’m still working on this, and I know this metaphor is no longer really about boats, glorious as they are, but bear with me.

We show up. We show up as much as we can for as long as we can, even when we’re in pain that others can’t even imagine, mostly because we don’t want them to see. So we struggle on, and slowly our symptoms wear away at our resolve to act “normal” until we’re too tired to keep up the front. And then, sometimes, the dam breaks, sometimes with disastrous results. And we’re left there, soaking wet, looking at the ruins, and wondering what the hell just happened.

I don’t know what demons you’re facing, whether seemingly insurmountable or mere inconveniences that make you falter from time to time. Either way, you’ve probably experienced some sort of cycle like this. For those of you for whom the fight seems impossible, maybe this resonates as strongly as it does for me.

I had planned to walk by the river and maybe call a helpline or something, maybe see if there was room at the hospital for a night. But the last thing I want is to be committed right now, especially since that would just prove them all right. But I’m past the point of hiding to avoid being judged; I’m going to thrive out of sheer spite, if nothing else. For now, anyway.

When I learned that my way of trying to relate to people – namely, with what I think is logic and fairness, though of course they would probably see it differently – does nothing but lead to betrayal and pain, I learned that being honest about my emotional needs gets me nowhere. I learned that the only way is through passive-aggression, suppression, and manipulation.

This time last year, I was in the midst of my first active suicide attempt. It was right around mother’s day. I don’t think anyone really knows the true extent of why I tried to do it, but I’m starting to feel a lot more peace about it, as much as I turned my life upside down. But one of the most important lessons from last year that I’m trying to remember is that God doesn’t love me for what I can do for the kingdom, or even for my prayers and devotion.

But the thing is, all of it would be fine if asking for help were normalized. Could you imagine? A world where we could do what we need to do to thrive, without being judged or ridiculed, or told that we “should” be able to manage things like everyone else?

I started writing these on my computer a few days ago, and they kind of helped, except for the fact that my moods are so up and down that sometimes the effects wear off pretty much instantly. So maybe I’ll put these out there multiple times per day, who knows. And my hope is that if nothing else, I’ll be able to help someone. Always feel free to leave a comment.