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Don’t Let Go
Every now and then, it all comes crashing down, doesn’t it? I think sometimes it’s a lot easier to see it coming than at other times. Sometimes we know exactly what happened that knocked the wind from us, or we sustain an emotional injury and walk away knowing we’re going to be sore as hell the next day. But sometimes it feels like we’re possessed by demons that come and tear us up whenever they want, for no reason whatsoever. We’re in pain by virtue of simply existing and moving around in the world, like osteogenesis imperfecta of the heart. You’ll just be doing your normal thing, but maybe you’re one degree off, or move a fraction too quickly, and then, crack, another break that’s going to take weeks to heal.
And the worst part is that it’s so impossible to see from the outside, unless we are doing something drastic. When we are just trying to keep from falling apart, people see what looks like a functioning human being. How can we expect them to see beyond, to see within, to the turmoil and struggle and sacrifice it takes to hold our atoms together with black-hole levels of force?
And unless we’ve been awaked to these realities, how can we hope to understand ourselves? We think to ourselves, “Maybe they’re right. I probably am just lazy and selfish, useless and scatter-brained.” Or, even worse, “Yeah, I guess I do have everything going for me. I am fine, and I don’t have anything to complain about, not like people with real problems.”
“Real” problems are those that can be seen on the outside. “Real” problems are those that are not caused by some internal deficiency but by some external, unstoppable force of nature. If you don’t have “real” problems, then the issues in your life are caused by you just as muc as they can be solved by you. So what are you waiting for? Stop trying to get attention and just get back to work like the rest of us.
If you’re like me, you’re killing yourself trying to make others happy, trying to do what they say and “just get over it already.” Because if they can do it, why can’t you? What right do you have to complain when they’re working three jobs every day without a thought to laying down and giving up? If they can do it, so can you. Just put one foot in front of the other and do it. And don’t come complaining to them if you don’t take their advice – that’s your problem, now.
You’re killing yourself because you don’t want anyone to be in the same pain as you. If they ask something of you, you do it, even if you’re dying inside, even if you know it will take everything you have to recover afterward, because you can’t bear to be a disappointment again. You can’t do anything about the ghosts that haunt you, the demons that swoop in and slap you with their wings, you can’t do anything about them except try to protect the others. You can’t do anything other than hope, really hope, that this is the thing that fixes you. Or, that this is the one that finally does you in.
What can you hope for other than the sweet release of death? What can you dream of other than some better world accessible only through that one-way-door? This world that promises no more pain, and finally, finally some fucking rest? Who wouldn’t want that? And yet, it seems to fantastical to believe. But oblivion would be better than this life, and what hell could possibly be worse? Nothing is promised in this life. Nothing other than this moment you have, right now. We drive ourselves crazy with the unknowns. But I know]’\\\]’\ that you’ve seen miracles. I know that you’ve seen something amazing that has changed your life and made it a little less dark? So who are we to say that tomorrow won’t be the day that another dream comes true?
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“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him.”
~ Romans 15:13