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When the light breaks

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Hey there,

I’m trying to remember that my SAD is going into full swing, and that’s probably one of the main reasons why things have been so hard lately. I’m trying to take things one day at a time, as always, but those days are getting more and more difficult to bear. The urge to burrow under and not come out for a while grows, as well.

The nights are the worst. Especially after leaving a social gathering. Last night church was amazing, and I think I connected with some amazing new people, but I also stayed out way too late and caused one of those negative feedback loops where I ended up tripping that stress wire that doesn’t let me go to bed. So I walked around the city, because I couldn’t go home to face the loneliness there. I ended up in the bad part of town by accident, and got followed and harassed. I thought at one point that two guys were gearing up to jump me when I wouldn’t go with them, but I walked away unscathed.

Really, it is beautiful here, and it’s generally quiet at night during the week. But I can’t get rid of this pressure in my chest, a pressure that makes it hard to breathe. It’s that sticky tar that I was telling you about, the one that is so hard to remove by myself. I wish I was stronger. I wish I was better able to walk that tightrope, where an evening breeze can knock me over. If I run across it full tilt, I’m usually fine, but, I can’t do that forever, and when I stop, I fall off.

Coming up for air feels so sweet. Those times when my brain is quiet, and there’s nothing. Not numb, just, quiet. Those are the times when it feels like things will be okay. Everything else goes back under the surface for a while, and the bad stuff goes back in the box. Everything is clear. I feel like I’m clinging to a raft in the middle of the ocean with the sun shining down on me. So peaceful.


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“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him.”
~ Romans 15:13

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