15

And if you fall, my love, if you fall? It might feel like par for the course, or it might devastate you. Either way, remember, tomorrow is another day. Go to sleep, and wake up, and take it one day at a time. You don’t need to change the world right now, but your existence is putting ripples into the universe that are affecting the course of history, for better or for worse. You are necessary.

7

Do you see where I’m going with this story? Even though I’ve gotten to the point where I’ve conceived of every metaphor under the son to try and understand what’s going on in my head, maybe this is new to you – if you’ve got an emotional disability like depression, or anxiety, or something more complex like borderline or ADHD, you’re playing the game of life without emotional shoes.

6

We show up. We show up as much as we can for as long as we can, even when we’re in pain that others can’t even imagine, mostly because we don’t want them to see. So we struggle on, and slowly our symptoms wear away at our resolve to act “normal” until we’re too tired to keep up the front. And then, sometimes, the dam breaks, sometimes with disastrous results. And we’re left there, soaking wet, looking at the ruins, and wondering what the hell just happened.

8

I don’t know what demons you’re facing, whether seemingly insurmountable or mere inconveniences that make you falter from time to time. Either way, you’ve probably experienced some sort of cycle like this. For those of you for whom the fight seems impossible, maybe this resonates as strongly as it does for me.

Believing is Not Believing

Moses loved his people a lot, despite the grief that they caused him. Sometimes he complained to God in the same way that they did, asking why He doesn’t just kill him. But despite those words, Moses’ actions still demonstrate the love he had for the Israelites. I was struck in this reading by how Moses apparently spent forty days praying for them so that God wouldn’t destroy them. Have you ever spent forty days praying non-stop? Has anything ever been that important to you, that you would drop everything just to pour out to God? Not me. Those are some actions I can’t even fathom.

If you Have Faith Like a Mustard Seed….

A lot of people might say that was just a coincidence. Maybe I was putting calm vibes into the universe and manifested the third bus, and the kindness of the that bus driver. But there are a lot of little things in my life that I get so anxious over, and then things turn out okay in pretty unexpected ways. Not because of anything I did. And it’s things like that which I try to remember when I get confused about what I read in the Bible or what a trusted Christian leader tells me. I remember that Jesus’ light yoke is what helps me walk on the waters of these storms, and that I can trust in his small and big miracles, even if I have yet to defy the laws of physics. In today’s our Daily Bread reading, Jesus prayed in Matthew 26 for God not to let him drink from the cup and be crucified, if it was possible. Jesus knew what the plan was, even that he wouldn’t stay dead for long, but it didn’t make it any easier to handle.

Maybe Pharaoh Was On to Something….

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Following God is a Mistake, Don’t Do it

Jesus was perfect, and that perfection included questions and sadness and a wish that things could be different. But He still took God’s hand, crying and shaking though He was, and walked on.

Just like Peter. In Matthew 14, he sees Jesus walking on the water. Everyone else on the boat is like, “Wtf?” and Jesus is like, “Yo, it’s your homeboy. Stop stressin.” And Peter’s like, “Bro, you trippin. If it’s REALLY You, tell me to come roll with ya.” And Jesus is like, “Dude.” And Peter was like, “Dude!” And then he saw the waves, and was like, “dude….” And Jesus saved Him, and is like, “Dude. Seriously?”