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Today Was a Good Day
Sometimes I wonder if I’m strong enough for this. This whole life thing. It feels like a lot sometimes, and I wonder if I’m doing more harm than good by pursuing it so hard. This exhaustion feels like it may never leave me.
The funny thing is that today was a relatively good day. I did get up, though it was hard, and I didn’t have any physical fatigue at all. I didn’t have a headache, I felt attached to my body, and I was even able to do some hard work. Yes, that work involved staying right here on the couch and being on the computer and watching Grey’s Anatomy in my pyjamas all day, but still, I finished scheduling dozens of posts for my blog. I even managed to eat several meals and some snacks in between. I drank my water and minded my business, and I achieved a couple of the things that I wanted to do. I even made an episode for my much-neglected podcast. To be honest, I feel like I could keep going, maybe even work on the outline of that last book for a little bit. I think I might go to sleep and wake up well-rested tomorrow.
Yes, today was a relatively good day, even if it was modified for the fact that I over-exerted myself yesterday and needed some downtime. Today was a good day.
Yet on the inside, I just feel…off. It’s a weird sort of deceptive peace that feels a lot like despair. A lot like giving up. A lot like this was my last good day before the end. Because at the end of this day, and throughout the whole of it, I was alone. I thought I’d enjoy it. I did, honestly. I got the TV to myself, and I could do what I want. But I have no one. What’s the point of a vacation if there’s nothing to take a vacation from? I miss having a reason to need a day off. Not an internal one, but an external one. I miss having a family. It’s pathetic, and to admit it here makes me feel like a loser, but I’m reminding myself that you might be feeling the same way. I’m saying this for your sake, so that you know not to believe the lie that you’re all alone. You’re not. Even though I know I’m saying that I’m alone and that’s why I feel like there’s nothing left for me here. But I am saying that I’m not going to let myself believe it.
I miss the idea of having a healthy family. One without the toxicity. This loneliness is not for that type of family where you have to hide who you are or risk being decimated. I don’t miss that. I’m good without that, and I’m not at the place where I feel so desperate that I would go back to that. I won’t. I deserve better. I need more.
I keep thinking that if I could change this or that in my life, this hole would go away. I keep feeling like there’s a relationship or an adventure or some lifestyle that’s going to make me feel whole and fixed and well. It’s hard not to think that. I don’t know what the secret is to not thinking that. But as I write this, I start to feel better. Less stir-crazy, and more like the future is within my reach.
I’m going to believe that there’s a future waiting for you and me that’s beyond our wildest dreams. We don’t get to know what’s around the corner. We don’t know what will happen if we just try. It’s got to be better than giving up, I know it is, because when I try, there’s a little flash of good. A little flash of triumph, of peace. Something that makes me keep going for one more step, and makes me feel a little less ashamed of all my mistakes. It’s those little sparks that keep me here on this earth and not down at the bottom of the river where I so often want to be.
I believe that there’s goodness waiting for you and I. So soon that it will shock us. So soon, that if we give up now and get to see everything from the other side, we will do a face palm wondering why we didn’t just stick it out a little longer. Everything we hope and dream for is just around the corner. If not this one, than the next one. The love of your life is waiting for you. The life of your dreams is right there, just waiting for you. That thing that you think is impossible is right there, waiting for you to believe in it enough to keep going.
And I’m here. When I don’t believe that it will happen for me, I will believe that it will happen for you. When you don’t believe, I’ll believe enough for the both of us.
Today is a good day. And I love you.
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“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him.”
~ Romans 15:13