(Don’t) Kill Yourself?

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Life really sucks right now. Like, a lot.

Sometimes, you might not even know the reason. You may not know exactly how you got here, on the precipice between life and death, but most likely it’s more than one thing. Most likely it’s a bunch of things that have piled up, small and big moments that make you hate yourself. You’ve let a lot of people down, and they probably hate you, too. If they don’t, it’s because they don’t really know you. But oh, if they knew.

If only they knew about that thing you did back when you were a child and didn’t know how the world works yet. If only they knew how you treated your recent ex, or your child, or your best friend. If they had been there, they wouldn’t be saying all these platitudes about how you did the best you could with what you had, how you have to give yourself compassion, and how you would have done better if you could . Truth is, sometimes you’re just a shitty person. Sometimes for no reason. Sometimes because you’ve been hurt, and you’re hurting people back. We make bad decisions, we hurt people, and we have to live with that.

Except, sometimes, we can’t. Sometimes we can’t live with what we’ve done to others, or the pain that others have caused us. Sometimes the things that people do to us screw us up so bad that it’s pretty likely we’ll never be the same again. Sometimes, life just really, really sucks. So if life is this bad and things aren’t ever going to get better, what are the alternatives?

Well, one option is that you could end it all. Lots of people do it, after all. You hear about it in the news. Maybe you even know someone personally who’s done it. If it was someone close to you, then that pain, confusion, and betrayal you felt when you found out likely still haunt you today. Whatever it is that’s got you feeling hopeless, it’s led you to this point. Whatever it is, it’s heavy, and it’s not something that you can easily put down. It’s not something that I can take from you, just by talking to you. Just by holding you and listening to you and telling you that everything is going to be okay. Maybe you’ll feel better for a little while. But what about the next day, when the loneliness and pain and regret overtake you again? Or the day after that, or the day after that, and on and on until you just die naturally?

Honestly, I don’t know you. I don’t know what you’re going to do with your life if you choose to live another day. For all I know, you could be a serial killer. Or worse. But who am I to say that your life isn’t worth it?

Who are you?

Who are we, really, to say who lives or dies? I’ve probably lost you, now, as you stand on that precipice. I’m sure you want to tell me that if you want to kill yourself, that’s none of my business. And you’re right. It’s completely your choice. But I’m willing to bet that you’re not a hundred percent sure what waits for you on the other side if you pull the plug. I know I’m not sure. No one really can be. We’re more sure of what awaits us tomorrow than in the great beyond, so let’s flip a coin. A few times, and see where we land. To kill yourself, or not to kill yourself. Hmmmmm….

Kill yourself: Your present pain goes away. All those thoughts and memories and regrets that feel like demons rattling the bars of your mind will go away. They’ll finally leave you alone. You won’t have to face tomorrow, another day of failure and misery.

Don’t kill yourself: Tomorrow will suck, as much as today, and you’ll be right back on the precipice by noon, wishing you’d ended it all today and been done with it.

Kill yourself: You won’t be able to hurt or disappoint those you care about anymore. They’ll finally be free from you. They’ll be free to live the life they were always meant to live. They’ll be better off without you.

Don’t kill yourself: If you don’t want to be trapped in the hellscape of your mind anymore, you might have to work on yourself. You might have to deal with therapy, and all of the torturous, awkward, weird exercises that make you face the things that you just can’t face right now.

Kill yourself: Nothing really matters, anyway. It’s not like anyone will actually miss you.

Don’t kill yourself: Did you remember to write a proper note, first? Really get everything out on paper for those who will want to read it? This will be your last testament to the world, after all. They need to know the real truth, or as least as much as you’re willing to tell them.

Kill yourself: You won’t have to deal with your student loans anymore, and all that credit card debt. You’ll finally be free.

Don’t kill yourself: Things might look better in the morning, but isn’t that how it always goes? You feel better for a while, but then everything comes back eventually. You’re stuck dealing with the same problems that you had before.

Kill yourself: You’ll be dead. You’ll be nothing. There won’t be anything anymore.

Don’t kill yourself: You’re going to die one day, anyway. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe if you hold on long enough, it won’t be your fault. Death might be closer than you think.

Kill yourself: It’s not like you can be one of those people, those model survivors, who take their pain and make something good out of it. All of that sounds like a lot of work. And you’re just so, so tired.

Don’t kill yourself: Maybe, if you wrote this all down, something might click and make sense. Maybe if you really got it all out, that pressure in your head won’t be so bad. You might be a piece of shit, but does that mean you can’t scream into the void for a little bit before you go?

Kill yourself: Dying is really painful. That last moment of your life will feel like an eternity. There’s no such thing as a pain-free death.

Don’t kill yourself: There’s no such thing as a pain-free life. But there’s probably some moment that you can think of that hasn’t been awful. Maybe something made you smile yesterday. Sure, it doesn’t feel like much when you consider all the pain that has piled up. But it is possible that you might smile again one day. It is possible that this sense of overwhelming grief and inadequacy will pass. It has passed before, after all.

Kill yourself: That person who really cares about you will never be the same. They won’t understand. And, the people that you’re trying to get back at with your death probably won’t actually care. But that one person (and I can bet there’s more than one, if you stop to think about it) will just absorb all of the pain that will be shed from you when you die. You’ won’t be ending the pain, you’ll just be spreading it to someone else.

Don’t kill yourself: As romantic and dramatic as it might seem, you’ll just be a sad story that people tell, less and less, as time goes on. You don’t want to go out like this. Trust me.

Kill yourself: Someone told you to do it, either in the heat of the moment or because they really hate you. Maybe they are right to hate you. Maybe you’re right to hate yourself. Will proving them right have as permanent an effect as your death?

Don’t kill yourself: You’ve heard of people who’ve come back from the edge of your problem. Those model survivors. People who’ve worked really hard to pay off their debts, fix their relationships, find the career that doesn’t make everything feel pointless, and set boundaries in their life that keep toxic people out.

Kill yourself: Funerals cost a lot of money. Do you really want to put that on the people who’ll care enough to bury you? Even if you have life insurance, the emotional cost can never be repaid.

Don’t kill yourself: Are you hungry? Did you have a last meal before you got to this place? Something really delicious that you’ve been craving since yesterday. Can you smell it now? The aromas drifting all around you? The taste in your mouth as you take one succulent bite after another? Can you see those colours and textures that will feel so good in your mouth as you take one bite after another?

Kill yourself: You won’t be able to do anything else. Ever again.

Don’t kill yourself: Are you sure you want to be found in that outfit? Did you take a shower today so that you won’t be smelly? Make sure it’s a really good shower. Or better yet, take a bath. Go to the store now and splurge on some really amazing, smelly stuff. Put on some fantastic lotion. And then, make sure you take a long nap. Dying takes a lot of energy, so you need to be well-rested. Oh, and don’t forget to leave your house in order so that people don’t think you’re a slob when they go through your things. Put some music on so that it’s not boring. Then, since cleaning is exhausting, take another nap.

Don’t kill yourself: Did you finish that Netflix series that you’ve been wasting your life watching? I bet you want to know how it ends. What about that book? Don’t you want to read another by that author? Why not do that in the bath? Don’t forget to take a nap after.

Don’t kill yourself: Isn’t there a final conversation that you want to have with your friend? Or the person who hates you least in the world, whatever. Don’t you want to hear their voice one more time? Make sure you tell them all of your problems and what has lead you to this point. This is your final chance. And then, since talking to people is exhausting…

Don’t kill yourself: You left that project you’re really passionate about unfinished, didn’t you? That’s really got to bug you. You must be itching to see it in its final form. Maybe there’s even someone you want to show it to.

Don’t kill yourself: Life really sucks right now. A lot. And it probably will continue to suck, to varying degrees, if you choose to work on yourself instead of ending it. There’ll be people in your life who will never forgive you, who will always hold your past against you, and who will tell you that you’re too far gone to change. Maybe the person saying those things is you. But there’s someone waiting to meet you, out there in the future. Something is out there waiting to give you that spark to become a better person. A person you can be proud of. Tomorrow is waiting for you, for better or for worse.

Don’t kill yourself: Your anguish and self-loathing won’t go away without some serious, painful, embarrassing work, and a lot of help from professionals and those who love you. But one day you might be in my position, trying to keep someone else from ending it all. You’ll be the only person who knows how to reach them because you’ve faced this dilemma and chose to work through it. You could be someone’s source of hope. You could save a life one day! Don’t you want to be a real-life super hero?

Don’t kill yourself: It’s bad luck to do it on days that end in “y.”

Don’t kill yourself: Avoid your problems instead, until you’re ready to face them.

Don’t kill yourself: You’re more powerful than you think.

Don’t kill yourself: You’ll thank yourself one day.

Don’t kill yourself:

Thanks for Stopping by!

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