31 – Unfinished

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Hello my love,

On the days when you go to bed after doing something you shouldn’t have done and wake up hating yourself the next morning, I see you. Whatever stress response you were sucked into or whatever hole you were trying to fill, it doesn’t seem like such a good idea when all is said and done. Regret, self-loathing, and whatever consequences manifest from our behaviour can weigh heavy on us. Plodding through it to find any glimmer of hope or self-forgiveness can feel like plodding through shoulder-high snow. On the days when existence is too painful to merit life, it might feel like the best thing to do is lay down and wait for it to be over.

In our sunnier days, we might get involved in things that we think might make us feel better. But we can’t see into the future to know how we’ll actually feel when the time comes around. Something that we were excited about when we took it on suddenly looms terrifying. Why did we get ourselves into it? Instead of stressing about it today, we could just have the day off to sleep and not dream. I feel this today as I wonder why I took on yet another volunteer project. I felt compelled to, and before I knew it, I was swept up in the enthusiasm of the team and signed away a large chunk of every other Saturday. But, it is nice to have somewhere to go, when I can get over feeling angry at my earlier self for doing this to me.

I’m very tired today, and maybe you are, too. I’m not sure what it is about being this tired that makes me stay up all night watching YouTube. I don’t know why I can’t pull myself away when I know I’m only making things worse for myself. Whatever stressful thing I pushed myself to do a few days before, the chickens came home to roost with the fury of a hurricane, and blew me right over. Whatever I try to do to pull myself out of the hole inevitably just makes me more tired and dysregulated and prone to shutting down or acting out. I don’t know about you, but this can feel so defeating. Damned if we do, damned if we don’t.

The newest stretch of SAD has now begun, with the snow here to stay. It’s cold and miserable, and sunless, and makes me not want to go anywhere. I can hear the wind howling through the neighbourhood and just the sound of it is making me cold. It’s the most dreaded time of the year, and I wish I could fast-forward through it. Nevertheless, I have things to do. As I’m sure you do. Whether it’s resting or achieving, I hope you can forgive yourself today. I’m going to do my best to do the same.

Thanks for Stopping by!

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Stripe

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