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So, my ADD has really been acting up lately. I think largely due to my anxiety, potentially triggered by my PTSD flareups or the general shitfuckery of SAD. I’ve been messing up the simplest things, even though I go over them in my head so many times. Today I messed up an appointment that I’ve looked at and catalogued in my brain at least ten times. I had a reminder for the calendar event, and I kept checking whenever I wanted to add a new calendar event for the week. I also got at least two or three reminder calls from the office. I knew it was next week. And yet, somehow, my brain decided yesterday that it was actually happening today, despite no evidence. I didn’t put it down wrong. But yesterday I panicked because I was sure my appointment was today, and that I was double-booked for another appointment. So I changed the second one yesterday, and then woke up early this morning to go to this non-existence doctor’s appointment. And of course the transit is a little screwed up, so I ended up being quite early, which I was proud of, because that would mean I could potentially be done a lot early too.
And I swear, every time I go to this office, I hold my breath when they ask for my name, because there’s been three or four very traumatizing times in the past when I’ve completely missed appointments there. This doctor also has two offices, so sometimes I’m booked to see him in another part of town, and I’ve shown up at the right time but at the wrong place more than once. A nightmare.
So the receptionist seems like she’s having trouble finding me in the system, and the panic sets in. I tell her that I’m about 45 minutes early, but she’s like, bruh, you’re a full week early. And I’m like, ffs, you’re kidding me, right?
Luckily, they were able to get me in that day so that I don’t have to come back, so it all worked out in the end. I had to wait longer than usual because I was a last minute addition, but they had great wifi and I had my laptop and was able to get a lot done. Then I was stupid and didn’t check what time I needed to get home for the second appointment that I had needlessly rescheduled, and it looked like I was going to be pretty late. I ran to potentially make the next bus and missed it by 30 seconds because I was looking for it in the wrong direction, and didn’t recognize it when it passed me. The next set of buses apparently would get me there quite late. But I decided to put my faith in the fucked-up transit system and not trust what the app was saying, and I prayed, and everything turned out fine. I was even early and had time to go to the store between buses, something I’ve been procrastinating on for weeks, not just because I’m broke as hell but because I’ve been so tired. And I’m even going to be early for that second appointment.
But this happened last week, two. I’d been preparing and looking at this appointment for days, and I’d seen it in my calendar so many times. Then, on the day of, somehow I thought that it was half an hour later than it really was. Once again, it was not that I wrote it down wrong. Thankfully, I was still able to go, even though I was late, but seriously, what happened? But it goes to show how difficult it can be to get things straight when you’ve got a lot of stuff going on in your brain. Sometimes all the strategies in the world can’t help if your brain decides to make something up. Do you ever experience that?
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“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him.”
~ Romans 15:13