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Things have been crazy, as always. I’ve kind of been neglecting my blog, which is unfortunate, but I suppose just can’t be helped sometimes. The poetry that I wrote as a middle-schooler continues to draw the most attention, and I’m like, okay…I do wish I could go back and tell my little self that one day I will be seen. It’s pretty cool. I just wish some of my more recent stuff was resonating with more people!
I’m trying to figure out what the heck I’m doing in life. I just turned twenty-five, and most of the existential dread of my early twenties is dissipating, and now I’ve come to the grim acceptance of my mortality. I’ve only got a handful of decades left on this earth, maybe, and I want to figure out what kind of legacy I’m going to leave. Not just for myself, but for my son and for the world. What should I do for the Kingdom in this time? How am I going to make sure that every day I have peace, purpose, and enjoyment?
One thing I know is that Satan wants to keep me busy, tired, and always feeling behind and inadequate. I’m still plagued with the feeling that I’m not good enough, that I’m dropping the ball and disappointing people. Which I kind of am, but that’s because it’s a downward spiral that I’m caught in, not because there’s something wrong with me, necessarily. It’s a trap I’m having a really hard time getting out of. It leads to me procrastinating. What I mistake for peace is actually numbness, hiding from my emotions. That’s not what I want either. I want to end the day with all my things checked off, with enough time to hang out with friends and watch YouTube in my room by myself, all while feeling rested and refreshed all the time.
It’s a tall order, I know, considering the things that I want to do before I die. But it’s a dichotomy to juggle, because I want to live a life of significance, but I also know I could die today, and I don’t want to end things in the middle of some sort of rat race, always feeling stressed and put-upon. How do you achieve without losing sight of the day?
Scheduling helps, I know. Schedule your priorities. But then I start to feel frustrated that I’m not making enough progress in one area or another, and then I start binging activities. Part of that is ADD fixation, part of it is perfectionism anxiety.
I’m writing this online where anyone can see (though, let’s be honest, right now that’s not really anyone, so I think I’m safe) because I’m supposed to try and journal every day, but that can be really hard. Some of these might turn into separate blog posts, because hey, I can go on and on about all sorts of things when I really get going. But Unfinished has always been the wild-west, with no rules, just a place where I can do what I want, whenever I can or want to. I don’t want it to be one more thing that I feel guilty about. And I think if someone is reading this right now, you might be going through some of the thoughts that plague me constantly. Wouldn’t it be fun to see where I’m at a year from now? That’s one thing I’ve always enjoyed about reading back on my journals. Well, enjoy might be putting it loosely. Sometimes it’s downright disturbing, the things I used to think, or still think despite all the problems it’s caused me.
This time last year, I was in the midst of my first active suicide attempt. It was right around mother’s day. I don’t think anyone really knows the true extent of why I tried to do it, but I’m starting to feel a lot more peace about it, as much as I turned my life upside down. But one of the most important lessons from last year that I’m trying to remember is that God doesn’t love me for what I can do for the kingdom, or even for my prayers and devotion. I say this to anyone who will listen, but there was a time last year when I got out of the hospital for the first time, when I did absolutely nothing. I think it was about three or four weeks. I hardly got out of bed, got out of the house even more rarely. I didn’t eat much, I didn’t read my Bible or pray hardly at all. I watched YouTube and worked on A Saviour’s Path, and that’s about it. And the funny thing is, I don’t think I felt closer to God than I did back then. Of course, I can’t live like that all the time, but I think it’s the proof that I don’t need to perform in order to be loved.
I’m not sure how many people know this, or how serious I am, but there are still days when I can’t get out of bed. SAD, especially when coupled with my PMDD, still kicks my ass. And this year I even had Covid during the worst season. I’m still learning to count weeks and plan for when I’m most likely to be depressed, anxious, overcommit myself to thins, over-eat, sink into social paranoia/passive aggression, and a whole host of other symptoms. I still cant’ seem to complete the paperwork I need without months of preparation (some might call this procrastination, and in some cases, it is, but in other cases, I’m literally just psyching myself up for some of the most painful and anxiety-causing situations of my life.) I have so many things in collections or about to go into collections. A lot of the social programs I rely on, like to get the medicine I need for my glaucoma, are lapsing, which means that other things will also tumble like dominoes. And on and on.
Those are the thoughts of disaster that go through my head. What business do I have trying to do anything? In a way, of course it’s important that I get my own affairs in order somehow before I try to be any sort of leader. But the other side of that is that I’m really learning how limited my capacity is, and that it’s so much better to accept help and bring others into the narrative. Satan wants me to stay silent and suffer alone. Telling me things about how a leader shouldn’t be crying about this or that, that I should stay stoic and soldier on, and be there for the others without ever letting them be there for me. It makes me believe that I can’t possibly achieve anything, because I’ve already screwed up so much in my life. I’ve put the nails in my own coffin and limited my own potential, and I’d be lucky to be able to sit in a vegetative state for the rest of my life without offing myself.
I’m starting to think this isn’t true, though. Because if so, what about the other people out there like me? Have you ever screwed up so bad that you feel it has irrevocably changed your future? That there are things you’ll never be able to do now? Sure, maybe there’s other people out there who “overcame adversity” or whatever, and good for them, but all those stories do is make you wonder why you can’t do the same? Why can’t you rise above your circumstances and become the next Steve Jobs or Nick Vuijic? That’s all that I ever wanted to do. Be a story that inspires others.
But now I’m starting to realize that it’s not about me. By placing those limitations on myself, I’m limiting what I’m allowing God to achieve in my life for me. I’m forgetting that while I’m unable to get out of bed or do anything more than sit in front of the TV, he’s keeping the world spinning. He doesn’t want me to have to retreat like that, but he’s got me when I simply can’t stop myself. And then I try to do better next time.
So, hell yeah, I’m going to do some big stuff, if I don’t die first. I’m going to be the first blackest, youngest, most female, most Christian, most emotionally disabled Prime Minister who shows the world that it’s so much better for us all to come together with the puzzle pieces that we have instead of trying to build something with only our own pieces.
I’m going to be a best-selling Christian author going on tours and produce my own TV show and go on talk-shows and do signings at libraries and whatnot. I’m going to give speeches and seminars and classes, and they’re all going to think I’m awesome. Oh, and did I mention being bloody stinking rich, so that if anyone in my circle has an issue that can be solved with money, I’ll be able to help them?
I’m going to be the leader of the most hands-on Christian ministry organization that get’s down in the trenches, inspiring people to reach for their potential within the Kingdom and form a family community that they can count on for financial stability, workplace fellowship, and meaningful work.
I’m going to be an influencer travelling to every province in Canada, and every country on earth, telling people about Jesus. Reviewing books and movies and whatnot. Building orphanages and schools. ‘ Running my podcast, and YouTube channel, and whatever other media. I’ll be a missionary with nothing but a backpack and Bible, couch-surfing and slumming with the best of them. I’m going to fly on a PLANE! Multiple times!
Even if I can’t be with him as much as I’d like, I’m going to build a better world for my son and my grandchildren, and be one of the ancestors that they can be thankful for.
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“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him.”
~ Romans 15:13