1

#strongwomen #writer #author #entrepreneur #blog #blogger #canadian #alberta #kingdom #faith #godisgood #Jesuschrist #journal #personal #mentalhealth #parenting #mom #mompreneur #empathy #suicideprevention #depression #anxiety #borderline #truth

Well. Hey.

So have you ever just gotten to the point in your life when you’re so exhausted and down that you can’t take it anymore, and you decide that these problems are going to persist, so that you may as well see if there’s anyone else out there who might be feeling the same way? If you’ve been reading Lidi, you know that I have a lot going on. Like, a lot. And sometimes it gets to the point where it becomes unmanageable. Lately, I’ve been wondering whether I’ll ever get a hold of my life. I feel like I’ve talked everyone’s ear off about the problems, and I’m just so sick of them. But the nice part is, maybe you’re going through something similar to me, and you haven’t heard the story yet. I’m not going to call it complaining or feeling sorry for myself, because language like that is what makes us want to keep it all inside, which makes it worse or whatever.

I started writing these on my computer a few days ago, and they kind of helped, except for the fact that my moods are so up and down that sometimes the effects wear off pretty much instantly. So maybe I’ll put these out there multiple times per day, who knows. And my hope is that if nothing else, I’ll be able to help someone. Always feel free to leave a comment.

So, I don’t have a lot of time at this precise moment, as I have a child over there in the living room watching Turning Red. How I got to be writing at 6:30 in the morning goes something like this: I didn’t really get much sleep last week, because I had too much going on, and I ended up with extreme fatigue and pretty bad headaches starting on Thursday. It’s I had my son for the weekend, and I felt bad because there were all these things I wanted us to do on one of my very rare weekends off. We didn’t end up doing much at all, except that one time we went to the park and met another mom-son pair. I found kinship with them because she has a son with pretty pronounced special needs and we were able to chat a lot about what that’s like for us. That’s something that’s been weighing pretty heavily on my mind recently: the toll that this special-needs parenting journey takes on the actual parents. I want to say that rates of mental health issues among us must be higher than for the general parenting population, especially if you already had a lot going on before that. It’s just so fucking sad, and makes me sooooo angry that sometimes I don’t even know what to do.

I had to drag myself to church on Sunday, and to be honest I barely even remember what happened. A nice lady came up to us and of course the fiend started telling her his life story, and then when she tried to reciprocate he started spacing out, and even being a little rude. If nothing else this journey is forcing me into situations where I have to not care what other people think. I don’t think it’s unfair to say that embarrassment is one of the most challenging issues. Sure, there are some parents out there who have risen above and can have eternal patients for their kids, no matter what they do. And some of it is just regular kid stuff, like asking loud questions about a man’s turban or picking their nose. But some of it is worse, like when you try to bring your SNK around your acquaintances and they start screaming their heads off, saying that they hate everything, rolling around on the floor, or pointing a pretend gun at their heads and proclaiming that they want to shoot themselves. And that’s just off the top of my head.

It’s not to say that they are not sweet and wonderful too, but never mind the social ramifications. I’m here about sleep. Is there anyone else out there who has to share a room with their kid? My insomnia makes it difficult to share a house with anyone else, let alone have a kid on the top bunk. And last night was a disaster, because after taking him to a dinner and presentation at church where he wouldn’t sit still and ended up running around the whole time, he was too keyed up to sleep. There’s no “burning off his energy” before bed. All it does it pump all this excitement into him that doesn’t go away for hours, like a shot of coffee. And so I tried to put him to sleep, but of course it didn’t work, and I was exhausted and hoped to also go to bed early, but we ended up staying up way too late. Usually, if I were living in my own house, where we don’t share a room, I would have just let him sort it out on his own. But I’m getting to the point now where, when he’s in a certain mood, that everything I try to do to manage his outbursts makes it worse, and the whole thing just goes in a downward spiral. But since I have roommates, one of which has to get up early in the morning for work, I am always on edge about too much noise in the house. So letting him scream it out just isn’t an option anymore. So I had to take him outside to sit on the porch for a bit, then try to call his dad, then offer him my own bed. Then he got upset because I changed my mind about sleeping with him and went to the top bunk instead. Then, finally, blessedly, he went to sleep, and I could finally fall asleep too, even knowing that it probably wouldn’t be enough.

Back when he lived with me, he would sleep from around 7:30 – 7:30, and if not, he would nap to make up the difference. And I don’t know if it’s part of growing older and needing less sleep, or just having to transition between my house and his father’s, but I’m lucky if I can get 8 hours out of him. He wakes up at like 5 or 6, rarely does he sleep past 7, which means neither do I, so much worse than just having a roommate wake me up at 6:30, which I was starting to make a plan about.

But this morning, he woke up a little before 6, because of course in the hubbub last night, there was no way I was going to convince him to go to the bathroom one more time before bed. Plus I forgot. So he wet the bed, and woke me up, and I tried to convince him to take the iPad to the playroom downstairs while I still had a prayer of going back to sleep before having to get up for work in an hour, but he wanted to watch the “big TV,” which I knew would be too loud, so there was an argument about that, and by the time I finally just gave in and let him, I knew there was no way I was getting back to sleep.

So, I’m exhausted right now, I have to leave for work in an hour, which will involve trying to get him away from the TV to get dressed and have some food. I haven’t even done the laundry in days, so I don’t know what either of us is going to wear. (It’s clean, just in the basket). I feel like I’m doing everything wrong because every time I even mention doing something to him, it’s an argument, if not an outright breakdown.

Did I mention how exhausted I am? I. Am. Drained. It’s a tired that goes beyond the physical, because it’s been an emotional rollercoaster, too. I feel like everything in my life has been falling apart, and that everything I touch will just fall apart. My business is falling apart. My mental health is crumbling to the point where I probably should check myself in but I can’t deal with all that that would entail. I’ve been trying to spend more time with my son, but on days like today when I took a morning shift out of some twisted need to help people, never being able to say no, and wanting a small bit of extra pay, it’s causing more problems than it’s worth. And it wouldn’t be so bad if I had a car, but essentially I it takes almost two hours to do anything or go anywhere on transit since my son lives and goes to school on the opposite side of the city from me, so we won’t really have anything to do between the end of my shift and school. It’s that weird sort of limbo where you can’t go to your destination but you can’t go home either, because you’d just have to turn around and go back.

Also, I’ve been painstakingly trying to do my own extensions these last few days. I started on Sunday, thinking I might have to work until midnight or something, but this is day three and I think I’ve done like 7 braids out of the thirty or forty I think I’m going to need. And I have no idea when I’m going to have time to do them. I would have had a few hours today before taking the kid to school two hours away if if hadn’t been for that work shift.

Oh, and then there’s a meeting today to discuss our FSCD program, which is something else that gives me so much brain-eating anxiety that I want to cancel. Oh, and tonight is my first time singing on the worship team.

I’m tired. I’m losing it. I don’t think I can do this.

I don’t say any of this because it’s anyone’s fault. It’s not work’s fault. It’s certainly not the kid’s fault. I don’t even think it’s my fault. This is just how my issues manifest – overcommitting, freezing, and then dropping the ball on everything. I don’t know how to make it stop. And I’m not even looking for advice at this particular moment, because I’ve already heard most of it. Sometimes it’s just nice to be able to lay it all out there, and have someone say that they get it, and to be interested in what you have to say.

• YouTube
• Twitter
• WordPress
• Facebook
• LinkedIn
• Mail
• Spotify
• Instagram
• Link
• Patreon