Empowering people to help each other thrive
I have a feeling most of these confessions are going to be quite dark and sad for the next few months as we complete our trip around the sun. I’m trying to remember my strategies and reach for peace, and not protaskinate the day away, but it’s hard because thinking about doing things is like hanging on to an electric wire. The more behind I feel, the stronger the current, and the harder it becomes to want to touch it.
So I wonder, does God see only the fiftieth time that I’ve messed up that day? Does He hear my cries when my heart can’t take it anymore? Does He hold my dreams as tenderly as I do? Does He look at the efforts I expend to try and make the world a better place and smile? The same way I smile when I see my son doing the same?
Really, it is beautiful here, and it’s generally quiet at night during the week. But I can’t get rid of this pressure in my chest, a pressure that makes it hard to breathe. It’s that sticky tar that I was telling you about, the one that is so hard to remove by myself. I wish I was stronger.
“Real” problems are those that can be seen on the outside. “Real” problems are those that are not caused by some internal deficiency but by some external, unstoppable force of nature. If you don’t have “real” problems, then the issues in your life are caused by you just as much as they can be solved by you. So what are you waiting for? Stop trying to get attention and just get back to work like the rest of us.
“Don’t think this means anything, you big oaf,” Lanie muttered from her chair as she huddled in the corner, eying the hulking mass of tubes and wires and man on the bed. Jake had practically thrown her in before and shut the door in her face before she had time to get worked up into a full panic attack. Now, all the helplessness and despair of flying Ben home was coming back. Once again, she had the thought that she could breathe deeper for him, giving him the vital oxygen that would keep him alive.
Get to know Ben, one of the main characters in the Saviour’s Path series. Light spoiler warning. Although Ben is a charmer with a lot of integrity, he has a lot of personal challenges that make it difficult for him to always do what he knows is right. He’s tired hurting those he cares about and just wants to know how he’s supposed to live his best life. Sometimes, he ends up turning to the dark side in ways he never thought possible.
And I swear, every time I go to this office, I hold my breath when they ask for my name, because there’s been three or four very traumatizing times in the past when I’ve completely missed appointments there. This doctor also has two offices, so sometimes I’m booked to see him in another part of town, and I’ve shown up at the right time but at the wrong place more than once. A nightmare.
So I laid in bed and thought about what I would do if I had a billion dollars. It was a pretty fun thought experiment. I really hope I do become wealthy one day, because there’s so many things that I want to do in life that require a lot of money. A million can be a good start if you’re very careful, but let’s be honest, it won’t go very far in today’s economy. No, the billion is the new million, for sure.
“It’s not a game to me, little one. It’s a very delicate balance. Nothing is unexpected to me, and I know exactly what I’m doing. I know what needs to happen for my plan to work out. But I’m still a dreamer, Lanie. I know every possible outcome and future that could have existed, and I dream of what I would do for my children if they listened to me sooner.” He sighed a deep sigh, and a contrastingly warm breeze rustled the trees around them, and she felt it even through the icy gale. “But, even that dream of Ben growing old with you wouldn’t lead to the best possible future. Of course, I know what you would do, as much as I wished you wouldn’t. I tried to tell you that. I knew the ripple effects would bring about my exact will.”
Daddy will let go of Toto, who will fall with his face in the flowers. That’s when Andre will notice that the back of Toto’s blue shirt is dark like it’s got grape juice on it. The whole back of his shirt has changed colour. Mommy will start screaming in a way that Andre has never heard, no matter what Daddy does to her. The sound will make Andre want to run away as far as he can, and it makes his skin feel prickly.
And so if you have any loved ones reading this, trying to understand why it seems like you’re on and off, hot and cold, all the time. I wonder, even to this day. Last night I was yelling at God, asking him why he made me this way. Why couldn’t have just made me a normal human with a normal brain. I’d rather just be down all the time than have these annoying ups that just make me feel all the worse for falling.
It was a photo that she didn’t recognize. An extreme closeup of her face, with her hand tucked behind her ear and several wisps of her hair floating out in front of her. She appeared to be surrounded by a gauzy white fabric that partly obscured her. With a soft smile on her face, she seemed to be looking down at something. Confusion filled her.
“When was this?”
Every small thing sends me into a spiral, whether good or bad. So I could ignore my fatigue and just keep on keeping on, or when I can, take the time to care for whatever emotional scrapes and bruises I’ve accumulated that day. Not only do I actually heal and get stronger, but I can prevent some of the injuries in the first place.
“Kid, I’ve been driving all night. Can you let me sleep for a few hours? Can you just stay in your room, and don’t touch anything, and read the books in there? I think there’s a puzzle, too. A couple of them. Read the books, do the puzzles, and don’t do anything else. Okay?”
When I left home, everything went to crap. Now, you might think that having university classes would make me get up and go, but since there was no one to yell at me at home for missing school, I went less and less often, being less and less present, not completing homework, retaking classes, asking for second chance after second chance, until finally dropping out.
And if you fall, my love, if you fall? It might feel like par for the course, or it might devastate you. Either way, remember, tomorrow is another day. Go to sleep, and wake up, and take it one day at a time. You don’t need to change the world right now, but your existence is putting ripples into the universe that are affecting the course of history, for better or for worse. You are necessary.
For some reason, Lilah’s unquestioning acceptance made Lanie’s fists clenched. “You know what? None of this is supposed to be happening. From the minute of that explosion, my whole life has been turned upside down. When my grandfather died, I promised myself I would never, ever let a man control me ever again. I wanted to focus on helping children. That’s it. And I did that.”
I think part of it is that I’ve been trying so hard to make positive changes in my life, and those of you like me will understand that positive changes can be the worst ones of all. Not only does it get your hopes up, but it can also make you neglect some of your strategies because you’re “feeling better.” Without a doubt, when we can we have to be willing to try or keep trying, but those bad habits and maladaptive behaviours won’t leave or be controlled without a lot of kicking and screaming.
“Do you ever feel like you’ll wake up one day, and be in your real life? The simple, uncomplicated life?” Chelsea thinks every day about going back to New York when her mother is finally done grieving her dad and can face their home again. But Emma Wallstead has a long memory when it comes to grief, and Chelsea has the feeling that she might have to make the trip alone, and lose her last remaining parent.
How’s life treating you this fine day? I’m on my way to the gym for the second time this week, and I must say, it feels good to feel good. Sort of. It’s an adjustment. But I’m trying to be okay with it.
“No!” she bellowed, as loud as her destroyed voice would allow. “For once in my life, save someone I care about! What good are you, if you just let us die without caring? Save him!”
She closes her eyes. She deserves it. She doesn’t have that moment of wanting to be saved. She’s been fighting for so long. Too long. The fighting is just too much.
But…Ben.
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Do you see where I’m going with this story? Even though I’ve gotten to the point where I’ve conceived of every metaphor under the son to try and understand what’s going on in my head, maybe this is new to you – if you’ve got an emotional disability like depression, or anxiety, or something more complex like borderline or ADHD, you’re playing the game of life without emotional shoes.
So, how do I consolidate this emotional debt so I can start paying off several things a little at a time? I’m still working on this, and I know this metaphor is no longer really about boats, glorious as they are, but bear with me.
We show up. We show up as much as we can for as long as we can, even when we’re in pain that others can’t even imagine, mostly because we don’t want them to see. So we struggle on, and slowly our symptoms wear away at our resolve to act “normal” until we’re too tired to keep up the front. And then, sometimes, the dam breaks, sometimes with disastrous results. And we’re left there, soaking wet, looking at the ruins, and wondering what the hell just happened.
I don’t know what demons you’re facing, whether seemingly insurmountable or mere inconveniences that make you falter from time to time. Either way, you’ve probably experienced some sort of cycle like this. For those of you for whom the fight seems impossible, maybe this resonates as strongly as it does for me.
Thoughts shatter discordantly around her in an endless cacophony. She’s broken protocol. She shouldn’t have taken this on by herself. And now she’s going to die. Quite suddenly, quite unexpectedly unable to speak, unable to move because of the concrete weight of him. Two minutes ago, she’d just been looking for a snack. Now, the end.
She closes her eyes. She deserves it. She doesn’t have that moment of wanting to be saved. She’s been fighting for so long. Too long. The fighting is just too much.
But…Ben.
I had planned to walk by the river and maybe call a helpline or something, maybe see if there was room at the hospital for a night. But the last thing I want is to be committed right now, especially since that would just prove them all right. But I’m past the point of hiding to avoid being judged; I’m going to thrive out of sheer spite, if nothing else. For now, anyway.
When I learned that my way of trying to relate to people – namely, with what I think is logic and fairness, though of course they would probably see it differently – does nothing but lead to betrayal and pain, I learned that being honest about my emotional needs gets me nowhere. I learned that the only way is through passive-aggression, suppression, and manipulation.
This time last year, I was in the midst of my first active suicide attempt. It was right around mother’s day. I don’t think anyone really knows the true extent of why I tried to do it, but I’m starting to feel a lot more peace about it, as much as I turned my life upside down. But one of the most important lessons from last year that I’m trying to remember is that God doesn’t love me for what I can do for the kingdom, or even for my prayers and devotion.
Lidi 