26 – Unfinished

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You Had ONE Job

Hello love,

Do you ever realize sometimes that your brain sucks at being a brain? Mine does. It can’t perform basic functions like putting simple concepts together or motivating me to do basic things. It’s blasted full of holes and it works backwards. It’s twisted inside out and now the simplest things are usually out of reach if I try to do them for long.

Honestly, it’s so exhausting. I really, really wish I could just get over it. Just pull myself up by my bootstrap and be a normal human. You know, one of those people who get up, go to work, do a good job, have a couple of good relationships and answer their messages, maybe have a couple of side projects that they manage one step at a time, look after their children every day. People who just get up and go to school or wherever it is they need to go, every day. And if something minor happens, they either don’t notice or they barely give it a second thought. And if something major happens, they work through it and rise up from the ashes to become a shining beacon of hope for all who find themselves still on the path of darkness.

I want to be like that.

But when they say that borderline is like having emotional third-degree burns, they’re not kidding. Having a bunch of nerves burned off yet also being in excruciating pain whenever there’s an attempt at treatment. But also being in pain when you’re lying there doing nothing at all. Everything is pain. And yet, there’s also the fact that my brain has these boxes where it hides the pain. In theory this lets me function. Quite well, sometimes, for extended periods of weeks or months. But not for long.

I know that my metaphors are numerous and varied, but they help me to keep this train from running away. Sometimes.

Thanks for Stopping by!

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Stripe

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