Vesication

“Mom, I think I’m dying.”

“Honey, you’re not dying. Calm down, take a deep breath.”

“It hurts so much. My heart…I can’t…breathe…”

“Arian. Arian, listen to me. You are not going to die. You are stronger than this. You know you are.”

“I messed up, mom.”

“I know, sweetie.”

“I messed up so badly. What am I going to do?”

“Just breathe. The baby needs you.”

“I can’t. I don’t even know how I got here. What am I going to do? I gave him everything I had. I put everything I had into loving him. He had my whole heart, mom. Now there’s nothing left. I’m all alone. How am I going to do this alone? Mom!”

“Arian. You have to stop. You’re going to make yourself sick. She’s crying for you, Arian.”

“He should be here! He promised he wouldn’t leave me! He promised! How am I supposed to raise her alone? I can barely stay sober for two days!”

“I know.”

“How did I get here? He told me he loved me. I thought we could work on things. If I could just hold on long enough. She needs her daddy. Why can’t he see that? How could a man do that to his own family?”

“Sweetie, are you talking about him, or about dad?”

“I don’t know! Both! How have I ended up in the same place as you? I swore I would never let my children grow up in a broken home. I promised myself.”

“You can’t make somebody love you, honey. At least go check on her. She’s really screaming.”

“But he does love me! You don’t get it, mom. We were so in love. He was my soulmate. I thought we were everything to each other. Our family mattered to both of us!”

“I don’t know, honey. Some men just don’t have it in them. He didn’t carry her in his body. It’s not the same for them.”

“But I need him!”

“I know it feels that way. I know you feel like you’re dying, Arian, I’ve been there. But you’ve got to listen to me. Are you listening? Look at me! It’s time to clean yourself up. He’s gone. I’m sorry, but there’s nothing you can do. Your daughter needs you. You can’t keep living this way. Couldn’t this be a fresh start for both of you?”

“But we could have – ”

“Stop it, Arian! That man is so full of bitterness and hate and selfishness, he was never going to be the man you thought. The man you and Xavia deserve. And right now you’re not being the mother that she deserves either. Are you going to keep yourself from being there for her because you’re going on about how he’s not there for her?”

“Well…”

“He’s gone, Arian! I’m not sure you will ever feel okay about that. But you’ve got a daughter to take care of. If you don’t pick yourself up, she’s going to end up right where you are now. You don’t want that, do you?”

“Well, no, but – ”

“Honey, I love you so much. I wish I could make these decisions for you, like I could when you were small. My heart breaks for you, Arian. Please, don’t keep going down this path. It only leads to death. I’ve been praying for you up here, and there is more in store for you than this. For Xavia, too.”

“Prayers don’t work for me, mom.”

“Well, even if they don’t, do you still want this to be your life?”

“I can’t change it! I’ve tried! I’ve tried so many times and it never works.”

“You have to keep trying. You have to fight this. You can have whatever you want, Arian.”

“I can’t go back. My life is done.”

“Stop talking like that. You’re the one who’s still alive. As soon as this trip wears off, you’re going to call your dad to come get the baby, and let him put you into rehab.”

“I can’t, mom. If he knew about her, about everything I’ve done…”

“You can. You have to. Do you want your baby to die?”

“We would both be better off dead. We would be better off with you.”

“Arian, please. Get up and go to her.”

“I miss you mom. I wish I knew what happened to you that night.”

“I miss you too, honey. But you don’t need to worry about me anymore. Go to your daughter. Go now. I love you both.”

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