It’s been a while since my amateur acting days, but I try to go method and channel the rich dudes from my favorite movies. Eccentric billionaires who don’t care about societies standards, who of course would be seen in a luxury hotel wearing cargo pants, hiking boots, and a worn-out shell.

I’ve never voiced this out loud before. To anyone. Even though I can’t quite put my finger on what my issue is, stumbling through it with him feels like the only thing I can do at that moment. “I just…I think it’s gross. Maybe?” That’s the closest I’ve ever come to explaining it to myself, even though that’s not quite it. “And I’ve been told I’m a bad kisser. But I’m working on it. I have to.”

I can’t believe I said that, but I can’t take it back. My heart is pounding so fast that I can barely breathe. What am I doing? This is crazy. I’ve spent years learning my lesson not to be impulsive, to really think about the consequences of my actions. I’ve worked so hard to teach myself to be accountable and selfless.

But for whom?

. My simmering panic flares to life when the pastor says we can kiss, and my hand flies up for … More