58

Peekaboo

Hey, love,

I always say this, but things have been crazy lately. Any time I decide to try, my life turns into a whirlwind. I’m not really sure how to do things gradually. I’m always diving headfirst into either depression or activity. Once I get going, I always have a million ideas that I want to achieve RIGHT NOW. That light switch of emotions is difficult to manage at times.

Let’s see, what’s been going on since we last checked in? I planned an event that got ZERO participants, even though I put so much work into it. That was a couple of weeks ago. I was annoyed at first but have yet to feel particularly depressed about it, which feels strange. Honestly, it was an inspiring flop. Imagine when I’m rich and famous and I can tell the youngsters not to give up because I have had an event where absolutely no one showed up. Of all the events I’ve planned for the last fifteen years, this is the one that changed my life. Now I can be so grateful when something does work out. I might still be a bit scared the next time I try, though. If it happens again, I’m not sure I could be quite so philosophical.

Since the weather is nicer as spring arrives, I’ve been camping in the city again. It’s been nice to have my kiddo more accessible, even though I think he’s overwhelmed by suddenly having me around. It’s an adjustment, but I keep reminding myself that this is the happily ever after that I worked so hard for. Even if I have to live in my car for a while, it’s worth it to be near him. Gas is way too expensive to drive from my home to his more than once per month, and I can’t stand it anymore.

It’s good that he needs space, because I am still getting my legs under me. It’s easy to get organized to do something concrete like a workout at the gym, but figuring out how to manage all my business stuff melts my brains at times. I have so many things that I know I want to do, and I even write some of it down. But sometimes a million other things pop up that I need to do in order to get started, and everything branches off from there. I’m still trying to organize my day into blocks, but that’s hard when I have other things on my calendar. Planning around my van life adds to the struggle.

I am grateful though, because even though I was doing quite well at home for the past month in terms of going outside and getting business work done, I know that there’s always the potential for a slip. Right now I am forced to get up and do things every day, even when I do want to stay in bed all day. That sort of external pressure can help with the internal motivation. Since it’s just me in this little circle, I need all the help I can get.

The loneliness smothered me again yesterday. Mostly because I didn’t sleep well the night before and I was tired, but the depression was breathtaking. When I finally realized I should take a minute to check in myself, I felt a little more validated, even if the ache didn’t go away at first. I felt bad for procrastinating about going to the laundromat, mostly because all my experiences with them have been traumatic. I was able to make a compromise and allow myself to finish an extra chapter in my book, then put on some motivational tunes to get in the groove to do my final chore for the day. And it worked! I still had to push myself, but once the music sank in, it was a lot easier.

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