55 – Lidi

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I Want OFF!

Hello, love,

So, we’ve done it again, haven’t we? We’ve gotten ourselves into a right dreadful mess. Again. I had an idea and ran with it, because I was suffering so much where I was that I just wanted to end the pain. And so I put us back in school. Like, university. Where the whole point is for them to judge you and grade your worthiness on a scale that they’ve created. Where you have more people looking at you and expecting great things. More people that will be frustrated and give up on you when they realize what a failure you are. And let’s not forget all. the. goddamned. paperwork!

Welcome to your worst nightmares.

Now, why do I insist on doing everything with such fanfare? Why do I put all my new initiatives out there to the world for everyone to see? Now when I crash and burn, everyone is going to know what a mistake it was to support me, even just to wish me well.

The worst part, of course, is still the insomnia and sleep deprivation. Either I can’t sleep when I try or I don’t sleep when I can, and then I’m left utterly exhausted, profoundly depressed, and utterly hopeless. Unable to do anything other than sit and watch the time slip by, onward until it’s too late.

I even tried to nap today, but luck of luck, both of my roommates decided they were going to cook and clean and do laundry and bang around for basically the entire time. Unlike yesterday when I tried to nap, this time I actually did fall asleep, but it was interrupted by them. But now I have to figure out a way to at least look at all the homework I got last week. It feels utterly impossible, but it’s due soon, and I need to decide whether I’m in this or not.

How do I promote my own wellbeing when I never know when a storm is going to hit? How long it’s going to be, and what the recovery period will look like? How can I go through school or do anything else when my will to live can go up in smoke at any moment?

Well, I do know that I feel a little better after that nap. I know that I’ll sleep better tonight if I can figure out a way to do my assignments. But honestly, I’m starting to wonder what the point even is.

Thanks for Stopping by!

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Stripe

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