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Hi, Lidi from January 4, 2022 here. So, I don’t think I published this, but I wrote it in May of last year. I came across it and it fits my current situation so well! I hope if you’re going through something like this right now, you can have a moment of lucidity like I’m having right now. The waves are rough, and your raft is small, but you’re still hanging on. I’m in the storm with you. (and if I did post this and just can’t find the original, you’re getting two for the price of one!)
Hello, there. How are you doing today? It’s been a terrible few weeks for me. Once again, being overtaken by waves and feeling like a completely different person. Waves of hopelessness, bitterness, and despair, from past traumas, mistakes, and heartache, as well as current stresses and worries. I turned the volume WAYYYY up on everything: ruminating, marinating, and transfixing. My emotions got so out of control, the only way I could easily handle them all was to completely check out. And of course, that just makes everything worse. But in moments like these, I just can’t. It was like my soul had just been scrubbed with a cheese grater, and every small thing was like a drop of lemon juice. And sometimes there were buckets of lemon juice. And I just couldn’t handle it. Have you ever felt this way?
Anyway, i made some very poor choices during this time, and the familiar pattern returned: being unable to cope with what was going on around me, and inside me, then checking out in self-destructive ways, then feeling like a complete and utter failure, and just not even wanting to continue on this earth because it feels like I’m going to be stuck in this pattern forever. I do not want to live this way, and I honestly don’t feel like it will get better or change. Any time I’m able to have a few good days or weeks, it starts to feel uncomfortable, like it’s not real, and I start thinking about how it’s all going to come crashing down eventually. Nothing hurts more than crashing so hard after feeling like you’re doing so well. It feels better to know that you’ve always been trash, and there’s nothing that you’re longing for. You don’t have to worry about the grass on the other side if all the grass is crappy.
So, trying feels pointless. Failure and disappointment feel inevitable. That is all, for today anyway. One day at a time.
Thanks for Stopping by!
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“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him.”
~ Romans 15:13