Honeymoon Hitch hikers – Chapter 1

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My simmering panic flares to life when the pastor says we can kiss, and my hand flies up for a high-five instead.  

Aero stares blankly at me, his dark eyes unblinking in his creamy, almond skin. With his midnight blue tuxedo darkened by the overcast sky, he is formidable, elegant, and overwhelmingly present. Is any of this real? The pristine, monied guests, nervously chuckling. My tight silk sheath, blindingly white in the dim atmosphere.

The heavy, heavy ring on my left hand, brightly broadcasting what I’ve been asked to sign up for.

My mouth is so dry that I can’t speak to protest when Aero grabs my hovering hand in his firm, soft grip, He moves in again to try and plant one on me. I stare at his lips – perfectly nice lips in an unfairly handsome, chisel-jawed face. But all I can picture is him kissing someone else. Probably not that long ago, if I dare to be honest. That’s precisely why I need to do this. Lean in and press my mouth to his, make him mine. My stomach roils at the imaginary vision. The poise and decorum that my mother religiously drilled into me evaporates, my heart skips painful beats, and I’m moving backward before I realize what I’m doing.

A six-inch heel catches in a potted bouquet, and I tumble off the dais.

Fuck.

“Lily!”

Aero’s deep, panicked voice is nearly inaudible over the gasps and cries of the crowd. My mother and sisters rush toward me from the front row.

My mother sounds distraught. “She’s fainted!”

An excellent suggestion. In shock, I close my eyes and go limp on my bed of broken pottery and colourful plants. Luckily, I’m laying on the rounded sides, and nothing is piercing the skin I spend so much time taking care of. My chest is tight with another overwhelming feeling now: bitter, hot mortification. And shame.

Everything is slipping away. All the work,  all these years – my entire lifetime, even – required to get me to the precipice of that pivotal moment. Everything that my family and I strived for and sacrificed, all in jeopardy because I failed to eradicate just one persistent insecurity.

Groaning inwardly, I wish I could cover my freshly made-up face with my hands. The moment of falling is on replay in my body, nauseating and unshakeable. It doesn’t make sense. I’m not a clumsy person. I’ve trained from a young age to be graceful and elegant. I’ve been taught to move carefully, calculating, measuring each action against the authenticity it will add to my prestigious façade. I’ve never so much as stubbed my toe since.

So now, of course, today of all days, some errant glitch in the universe had to occur to ensure that I don’t get the one thing I want most in the world – the drop-dead gorgeous, successful, reasonably nice man who decided I was worth a ring.

He picks me up off the debris in his multi-thousand dollar suit, making worried man noises. My breath catches at the contact. His scent, his hardness, his warmth, all press against me as he holds me. He holds me.

Because he thinks you’re a damsel in distress.

Does it matter? Swallowing hard, I try to push my face into his chest as subtly as possible. My insides tremble at the rare, comforting grip of his hand around my waist and under my knees. I don’t even mind that the rub of my perfectly coiffured hair against his tuxedo. Everything inside of me melts. Instead of caring about my appearance like I should, I drink in the moment, the burn in my chest lessening. Maybe this humiliation was worth it, if it’s led to this.

“This happened at the Junior Miss Alberta when she was five. She better not have the stomach flu again.”

Like a flood, my rush of pure bliss rushes away. There’s that shame again. Thanks, Mom.

“Please, please, Ivy, give us some space.”

I don’t have to see to know that my mother obeys him and steps back. He’s the only one that she’ll demur to.

My sisters, on the other hand, are a different matter.

“Maybe her dress is too tight.” Violet, the baby of the family, came home for the weekend from her sophomore year at U of A. She seems upset that the dress she all but forced me to choose may have been the cause of this disaster.

“Did someone hear that?” Holly sounds gleeful. She’s only a couple of years younger than me. “I think I heard thunder. I told you it was going to rain.”

“You’ve ruined their wedding!” Tulip, the second youngest, nearly shrieks. “You’ve been playing that stupid song nonstop for the past week!”

I almost forget that I’m supposed to be unconscious, catching my smile just in time. Holly and I did a karaoke duet to Alanis Morisette’s greatest hit at my depressing bachelorette party last night. “It’s a Canadian classic!” Violet kept insisting to the ever-anxious Tulip.

“Girls,” Mom hisses. “Move out of the way.”

“Need me to do mouth-to-mouth?”

“She’s breathing just fine,” Aero snaps at Kai, his younger brother, who sounds like he has an impish smile on his elven, sculpted face. “I’m going to take her inside for a moment.”

Aero tries once again to move through the wall of siblings. But I can tell that most of the other guests – hundreds of them, all here to network and indulge in expensive food – have crowded in close as well. Volleys of helpful suggestions mix into an indiscernible cacophony. But one voice is close enough to cut through, even though it’s the quietest one.

“Of all days for female hysterics.”

“Grandfather, that’s enough,” Aero chastises tightly, and I almost open my eyes again. Aero has never so much as looked sideways at his stodgy, acerbic grandfather, let alone contradicted him. “Please, everyone, help yourselves to the refreshments on the side tables. We’ll be back.”

Finally, we are moving at a good clip. The crowd fades as we climb a series of steps into the cool, airy, and blessedly quiet building.

“You’re going to be okay, Lily.” Aero’s voice echoes on the walls and against my ear. He’s not even winded. He easily gets me to the private room on the second floor. Less than an hour ago, I got ready for the so-called happiest day of my life.

After gently placing me on the couch, he strides to the adjoining bathroom. The loss of his closeness is like air sucked from my chest. I take slow breaths to soften the ache. I’m so lost that when he comes back and presses something cool and wet to my face, I can’t stop from flinching and opening my eyes.

“You’re back!” His naked relief prods my guilt at misleading him.

“Yes, darling,” I reassure, wondering whether to tell him that I was faking all along. Would he laugh it off or rebuke me?

He pushes his hand through his short, straight black hair, upsetting the style yet looking  even more handsome. “You really scared me. Are you okay? What happened? Do you feel dizzy? Short of breath?”

Sitting up, I look around. The room is the way I left it this morning. I’d been undeniably anxious but fairly certain of how the day would go. I had walked myself through my final rounds of visualizations and positive affirmations, and reminders that it would be over with soon. Some of my makeup is still strewn on the vanity, my white purse hangs over the back of the chair. There’s a perfect view of the steely, grey river from here, and the bridge. The island is a dark green patch rising from it’s depth in the distance.

“No, no. I’m fine.” My mind spins. My voice doesn’t sound like my own.

When I turn back to him, my gaze catches on his hands where they grip the armrest of the sofa. One of them has a thick, gold band on the fourth finger. The ring that Kai grudgingly helped me get him. Aero’s blunt, neatly trimmed fingertips have perfect white crescents at the ends, and his thick wrists disappear into the cuffs of his jacket. How can I get him to touch me again? Hold me, even? I would let him do anything he wants if only he’d hold me like that once more. Being his for even brief moments would be enough.

It has to be enough, I suppose. Lying it is, then.

“I just forgot to eat breakfast this morning.”

His lips press into a sympathetic line. “How about we go back out and get you a snack?”

I take a deep breath. Now is the time to be brave. I can still salvage this. Slowly, hesitantly, my hand moves toward his on the velvet settee. “Just…can we just take a minute?”

For a moment, his face softens, and he glances down to my creeping hand. He flips his palm, and just as I’m about to make contact…

Buzz, buzz. A quiet, intrusive vibration. Without a thought, Aero pulls his hand away and reaches for his phone.

Even though Violet insisted on getting this dress with pockets, I never considered actually bringing my phone up the aisle. Evidently, my betrothed has no such qualms. I really shouldn’t be surprised. I tell myself not to think too much of it. Everything will be fine.

I stare at him as he strides from the room. “This better be good,” he quips, only slightly annoyed. “This is my wedding day, you know.”

I wait in the room, smoothing my hair and my dress. The mirror reveals how rumpled it is, but there doesn’t appear to be any dirt stains on the back. So, I wait. Waiting is something I’ve always been good at. It’s the name o the game.

Five minutes pass. Then ten. I go to the gilded window, reminding myself to stay calm.

Everything will be fine.

My fall and his phone call crash through my mind, over and over. I wrack my brain for my next move. How can I save this situation? Maybe my mother can help? We can skip the rest of the ceremony and move on to the reception. Afterward, Aero and I will have an entire four weeks at the lodge in Kananaskis to bond. Our bags are packed and ready to go in my Audi, a prompt engagement present from Aero. The long honeymoon was hard-won.

I had to make a deal with the devil, also known as Kai, to manage the basics of Aero’s job. Kai isn’t exactly qualified, but I got their grandfather on board by mentioning that this would be a good way to make Kai take on some responsibility and interest in the family business. That was that. Now I owe my new brother-in-law some yet-to-be-determined future favour, but it’s worth it. The trip will give me time to acclimate to Aero and learn to give him what he needs. It has to work.

I sigh. My shoes are killing me, so I kick them off, then sag against the sill. There’s no way my mother will let me skip the kiss. The photographer will insist on it. It’s such a basic requirement at these sorts of occasions. Millions of people do it every day. I know I need to. I don’t think I have a choice.

I run through the mental rehearsal I’ve practiced dozens of times for the last few weeks. It failed to make me seal the deal at the alter, but it’s all I have. Surely, if I go over it just a few more times, I’ll be able to follow through when we go back out there.

Step one: Make eye contact. Step two: Lean in and touch him. Step three: Connect lips. Optional step: try adding a little tongue to spice things up.

Bonus step: Don’t think about what he ate for lunch that day. Or about the other women.

My stomach roils and my breath comes in a short gasp. My fingers tingle with how hard they press into the sill. “Get it together, Lily. Remember everything that’s on the line here.”

Surely, after some amount of time passes, I can get used to it. Surely it will only take a few years. A couple of decades, tops, and I’ll be tangling tongues like a pro.

I can become good enough that he wants only me.

There’s nothing that I can’t learn. I work hard. I keep my eye on the prize. I’m finally so close to achieving this life-long goal, and I can’t let my stupid hangups get the better of me now.

My eyes sting, and I force myself to stare at the distant, rushing water to keep the tears at bay.

He won’t always be this busy. When we talked about marriage, he promised that as soon as he worked hard enough to make his grandfather retire as CEO, he would have a better routine. He could delegate more without worrying that his grandfather would see it as disinterest or laziness. He would spend the rest of his life making me happy.

I just have to make it work until then. I can do that. It’s not like I’ll be suffering. My family and I will have it made, the ability to do whatever we want, whenever, wherever, without ever worrying about money again. Violet will never have to worry about student loans. Holly will get the medicine and therapy she needs. Tulip can start the restaurant she’s always dreamed of. My mother…well, she can finally lay off my back and relax about me finding someone willing to take care of us.

These are all good things.

Except I haven’t been able to shake the memory of the second half of that marriage conversation with Aero. “I know I won’t be around much, so don’t worry about needing to find comfort elsewhere at times. I don’t expect us to settle with being lonely.”

I close my eyes, pressing the heels of my hands to them. After three deep breaths, the door opens, scaring the shit out of me. Whirling, I watch him enter the room. His gaze is on his phone as he types something before putting it away. In that moment, I need him to really see me. Everything feels wrong and twisted in my head, and I need him to make it right. Barefoot, I pad purposefully toward him, fighting the roiling tide in my mind, focusing on filling the emptiness inside of me.

I reach for his hand. The left one, with the promise of our shared future. A future I’m determined to make the most of, if only he’ll touch me, just this once.  

But he clears his throat and retreats a step, hiding his hands in his pockets. “Lily…”

Ice fills my veins at the tightness of his mouth and eyes, the way his brows draw together into apologetic lines. With the sudden numbness making everything feel like a dream again, it’s all I can do to keep my tone smooth and accommodating.

“Yes, darling?”

“This is terrible timing, absolutely horrendous. I know, but…there’s been an emergency at our Singapore headquarters. A financial scandal with one of the top executives. Everyone’s in a panic. I…I need to go.”

I keep my smile plastered on my face even as my brain ceases to fire. I can only make sense of one of the words. “Go?”

He swallows, looking down. I’ve never seen him anything less than confident and in control, and this edginess sends dread through me. “Yes. My grandfather says it should only take a few weeks to sort out. I won’t be gone long, I promise. And after that, we can take that trip. Or a different trip. Wherever you want.”

“But…the lodge.”

“I know.” He rubs a hand over his face, and I instantly feel guilty for that small protest. Never become high-maintenance, Lily. “You go. Have fun for the both of us. You can even bring your family. Have a nice girls’ trip, on me.” This makes him brighten. “I’ll put enough on the card for you all to have massages and spa time every day, and whatever else you want to do in the mountains. Maybe pop over to B.C. for a few days. Whatever you want.”

I want you to stay. Don’t walk away from me.

Taking the other hand out of his pocket, he puts it on my waist, but I barely feel it. I keep smiling at him like I’ve got glue and false teeth in my mouth. My body is a wax statue – incredibly lifelike, utterly empty.

When he leans down, his mouth coming toward mine, I unfreeze, flinching back. Frowning, he squints at me, then shakes his head, letting go of me. My eyes burn, and I look down in shame. I can’t think of what to say.

He’s forcing himself to stay cheerful. “I’ll see you later, okay? Please help my grandfather explain everything to our guests. Smooth them over with your charm. There are some very important people here today.” He pauses, and I almost look up, but can’t. “I’ll call you as soon as I can.”

And then he’s gone.

I stare at the elaborate mahogany door. It’s so pretty, with carvings of fruits, berries and pinecones. The doorknob looks like gold, so shiny that I can see a tiny, warped reflection of my face.

A full ten minutes pass before I completely realize what just happened.

Aero walked out on me. On our wedding day. The look in his eyes when I stepped away from his kiss is burned into my brain. Just like the image of him pulling away from me. Once, when he put his hands in his pockets. Twice, when he reached for his phone to take that stupid call. Three times, four, dozens and dozens more stretching back into the past, ever since I met him.

Too many emotions to name explode inside of me at once. I grab my decorative handbag from the chair at the vanity. Forgetting my shoes, I run out the door. 

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