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Lanie found herself wishing she was back in Qalcad, facing down raiders and gunfire and explosions rather than spend one more minute having dinner with her son.
Luckily, Jennifer left to visit her family while Lanie, Ben and Dre had dinner. Ben sat on the floor with them, leaning against the couch. The boy seemed to avoid her. Instead of looking at her, he tried to stick to Ben as much as possible. He didn’t even offer to set the table with her.
They sat with their Luna pizza in an awkward atmosphere of suspicion and trepidation, Dre seeming nervous and uncertain. She had the feeling that he didn’t want to show much excitement now that she was so close to him. Lanie felt sick. None of this was going the way she had imagined. But she had no idea what to say.
Ben sensed how miserable and resentful she was. He tried to smile at her in encouragement. “This was a really good pick for pizza, Lanie. I’ve never tried this company. I usually go for Little Ceasar’s.”
Lanie made a gagging motion with her finger, and Ben laughed.
Dre watched them warily. “So, what should I, like, call you?” he asked Lanie.
She tried to smile. “Well, what would you like to call me?”
“I don’t know. Ms. de la Torre? Lanie? What do kids usually call you?”
“I think Lanie is fine, for now.” She tried to keep her voice light, but it cracked a little, and Ben winced. “Whatever you’re comfortable with.”
“Okay…Lanie…” Dre chewed the name over in his mind like he chewed the bok choi on his pizza. Suddenly, she realized how unbelievably grateful she was that Ben was here. How on earth would she have gotten through this alone?
She wouldn’t have. She would have realized that Susan was delusional and Lanie was a sorry excuse for a mother, and Dre was better off in foster care, like she’d discovered all those years ago.
“So, um, how was school?” she asked, in a very parental way. She was proud of herself for coming up with such a normal question, but then regretted it when she saw the shadow fall back over Dre’s eyes. He looked down and didn’t say anything. She looked at Ben uncertainly, and he shifted to more fully face the boy.
“Hey, Dre.” The child looked up at Ben, and Lanie saw that he had tears in his eyes, igniting an ache in her. “Your mom wanted me to speak to you. She loves you so much, and she thought maybe you could try talking to someone who might understand what you’re going through. Would that be alright?”
Dre looked at Lanie, ever-suspicious, ever-resentful. “I guess.”
“I lost my mom when I was a little boy. I was six. I never had a father, either. School was really hard for me after.”
A tear fell from Dre’s eye. “My mom used to drop me off every day. She came in and I would show her the projects I was working on in the lab. On Fridays she brought me Subway for lunch. But I knew today…” Suddenly, Dre was sobbing, and Ben looked at Lanie, but she looked at her hands, and finally, he drew the boy to himself, making sure he didn’t get tangled in the IV tubes and wires.
“I can imagine this must be so hard for you, little dude. Did the teachers try to give you a card?”
Sniffling, Dre nodded. “I threw it away. All the kids were staring at me. Why did I have to go to school today? My mom just died!” From under Ben’s arm, he glared accusingly at Lanie, and she stared back.
Hell. She’d rather be in hell than spend another helpless minute here.
Ben patted Dre’s head. “Lanie is trying to do what’s best for you, Dre. She wanted to make sure that you didn’t let this keep you down. I know it was painful. But you did it. You got through it. There’s nothing harder than losing someone you love, and Lanie knows that. She also knows that the only way to survive that kind of pain is to be as brave and as strong as you can. Right, Lanie?”
“Um, yes,” she whispered, daring a glance at the child. Her child. She resisted the temptation to tell him to stop talking to her like that, to show some respect. He wouldn’t look at her affectionately if she said that, not like he looked at Ben and the Andersons. He would glare at her even harder. “I don’t want you to feel like this is the end of the world.”
He stood. “It is the end of the world!” he screamed. “They told me they were coming back. I told them to go and spend some time together. And then they crashed. And then they both died!” He started to run off, but Lanie jumped up and blocked him, terrified that he’d disappear into the streets of Kirkby. He put his hands on his hips, and she knew he was thinking about attacking her. It was a familiar posture. She took his noodly arms and oversized feet, then squatted in front of him, looking up at him instead of down.
“Dre. You’re right. I lost my parents too. When I was fifteen. A little older than you. It does feel like the end of the world. I know.” And she hugged him. He was a little less rigid, and still didn’t hold her back, but she chose to see it as a baby step.
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― Anais Nin
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