Proposal

#strongwomen #writer #author #entrepreneur #blog #blogger #canadian #alberta #chapter #romance #drama #novel #asaviourspath #excerpt #writing

I didn’t get it before, about needing to take some time to think. When there’s too many things happening and you just need to be able to take a breath. I always thought that it was exciting. An adventure. But…” He gazed over the lake at the treeline. “I think that all this time I’ve stayed on the ride so that I could keep my past from catching up with me. I was running away and hiding for a very, very long time.” As if the weight of this thought was too much for him, he sagged against the railing, passing a hand through his hair. “I should have listened to you. I should have done what I needed to a long time ago, so that I didn’t have to spend two years putting my life back together. I’m sorry I wasted all this time that you and I could have been together. I’m so sorry, Lanie.”

Her mind clicked, trying to put together what he was saying. “Does…does that mean that you still want to be together?”

He turned his miserable face up to her, then stood, taking her hands. “Of course. I want it so much it hurts. I love you. I love you and I love you and I love you. But I could understand if this has all been too much. If I’m too much. Too late…” His broken eyes cut her like glass. “I came here hoping that I’m not. But I won’t presume.”

She felt the weight of his hands. The softness and strength in them. Those elegant, tapered fingers and cerulean veins, course dark hairs starting at his wrists. Those muscles and tendons that rippled and twitched as she brushed them. This was her husband. The man who held her heart in his hands as surely as his own beat his chest. The man that she kept coming back to, no matter how hard her heart broke each time. The man who claimed to care so much about her, but…

“What about Lilah?”

She couldn’t contain the question. It was out of her before she could stop it, and she wasn’t sure she wanted to, even if she could. If Ben was serious, she needed to know.

Coldness brushed over her as he dropped her hands and stared over the railing with a heavy sigh. For a moment, he seemed to wrestle with what to say, and she closed her eyes. What could she do? After all they’d been through, if this was still a sticking point for him, if he was in love with another woman….She wasn’t sure she could stand it. It wasn’t fair to her. It wasn’t fair to Ben or Lilah, if they wanted to be together. The whole situation was just so unfair.

Sure, she knew she would be okay. She’d essentially been a single mother for the last year while Ben was getting his life together. Strangely, it felt like her life was more put together than ever, now too. With her friends around her and the busyness of having three active children, she’d barely had time to think about anything else.

Not to mention helping Jake to plan the last hit before they would finally purged the board. Despite the gravity of the fact that her marriage was on the precipice, her lips curled into a smile. Yes, even if he left her for good, she’d make sure that he was safe. Henry would pay dearly for even daring to think about Ben, let alone threaten him.

And she knew she would be okay once the organization was on legitimate ground once again. She didn’t need to kill anymore. She didn’t even need sex. In some ways, she was becoming more like the man in front of her that she admired so much. That she ached for nearly every day. That she…

That she wasn’t sure she could stand to lose. But she would, if that was what he needed. She would do anything for him. Anything.

Right?

When soft fingers brushed her cheeks, she realized she was crying. In the reflection of his eyes, she watched herself fall into the depths of warmth and kindness so all-encompassing that she was floating and drowning all at once.

“Melanie,” he breathed, and despite her misgivings about where his heart truly lay, she let him kiss her.

She needed him to kiss her, because the knowledge that her time with him might be over made her suddenly desperate to take all she could from him now. She devoured his mouth, digging her fingers into his hair like she’s holding onto the edge of a cliff. As her body lit up with a fire so strong it nearly knocked her off her feet, he pushed away from her and laughed shakily.

“Just a minute.”

“No.” Suddenly, she didn’t want to know the answer. She didn’t care. She just wanted him. Needed him like oxygen. She tried to kiss him again. But even on her tip-toes, she couldn’t bridge the six-inch gap between them when he pulled himself out of reach like that.

“Lanie, can we please talk about this?” Fighting tears again, she hugged herself and turned away, gazing out at the water. Lightly, he touched the small of her back, and didn’t move even when she stiffened. “I’ve gone over everything with Lilah a million times in my head. I’m probably going to make a mess trying to explain, but can you just hold onto one thought? Please?”

Swallowing so hard she was sure he could hear it, she nodded jerkily. “Fine.”

“Lilah was my first love. But you’re my last. And the only one I want.” When he was quiet, she turned to face him. His eyes were shining again, like warm candles. “Even though things got confusing when I saw her again here, whatever real romance was between her and I, it died a long time ago, long before I met you. The love I had for her was powerful, yes, and maybe in a different universe, if I was a different person, things could have worked out. But I’m so glad that it didn’t. I’m not going to say that I wish I could have skipped Lilah and went straight to you, because loving her taught me so much that I’m glad for it. You’re not my second choice. You’re the one that God has been preparing me for through all of this.”

Her posture was still stiff, so he sat down on one of the lounge sofas, then pulled her down beside him, tucking her close. After a moment, she couldn’t resist her favorite spot against his heart, and he cradled her head in his hand, wrapping the other one around her waist. She knew this was bad. She couldn’t help believing him when she was in this position, but she couldn’t keep herself from ending up here.

“Lilah is my friend. My boss’s daughter. Someone I can confide in. A sister,” he said softly, then tipped up her chin and kissed her deeply. “You are not my sister.” He kissed her again, his hand roaming up her back. “Which is very fortunate.”

Despite herself, she smiled. “Are you coming home?” She almost didn’t want to ask that, either, terrified by how much she wanted him. Needed him, even after all the work she’d done not to need him. Was he going to undo her once again?

He nuzzled her hair. “Do you still want to be with me?”

“Of course, B. I’ve missed you.” It was an understatement. Or maybe a perfect statement. He’d been missing from her, a vital part of her that had been absent. A shaking started deep within her, as though the words had opened up a pit that had been covered and unnoticed. She loomed over it, the dimension where Ben was out of her life and nothing more than a memory. She wasn’t sure that the hole had a bottom. She clutched him with bruising intensity, squeezing her eyes tight. “I’ve missed you so much.”

“I’ve missed you too.”

He kissed her roughly, then got up, pulling her to her feet. His fingers brushed over her shoulders, trailing fire down her arms, then to her hands. Never breaking her gaze, he dropped to one knee, reached into his back pocket, and drew out a blue box. Lanie gasped, tears coming to her eyes as her hands flew to her mouth. She didn’t know what the meaning of this was, but the fears that he was leaving her fell away like weights.

“Melanie Fiona Alexandra de la Torre. I love you. These last few years have been…something.” He shook his head, then laughed in disbelief. “Something, that’s for sure. We’ve been tested in ways neither one of us could have imagined when we first embarked on this thing called marriage. I don’t think we had any idea what was in store for us. Too be honest, I’m a little scared of what could be around the corner next, but if I’ve learned anything, it’s that I want us to face it together. I want you by my side, whatever happens. I believe you were made for me, just for me, and I thank God every day that I get to be a part of your life. I’m ready to be your husband in the ways God commands, protecting and loving and guiding you and our family, no matter what happens. Would you do me the honour of letting me promise you everything all over again, now that I have an idea of what ‘for better and for worse’ really means? I could go on and on, as you know, but my question is, if given the choice, would you do it all again?”

His smile was at once self-conscious, cheeky, and radiant. Those sparkling grey eyes caught the bright rays of the sun, and so did a couple of new grey hairs at his temples that she was sure he denied existed. His crow’s feet had grown more pronounced in the last few years, but his dimples were as deep as ever. Kneeling down with him, she put her index fingers into them, making him smile even harder as he watched her, his thick brows raised in expectation. He was different, yet the same, and she wanted nothing more than to see where time would take them.

“I’m not going to be some perfect little pastor’s wife,” she warned.

His eyes turned wicked. “Fantastic, because I’m not some preachy little pastor.”

“I’m not going to bake for church picnics.”

“Thank God for that.”

She punched his arm. “And I’m definitely not going to – ”  

He pinched her lips shut. “Hey. Do you think there’s anything you can tell me that will change my mind? I’ve already prayed about it. Extensively. I want the whole Lanie package – raisins and oregano and all. Do you want me? Bible and mitre and all?”

The corners of her mouth twitched, and she pulled away. “You’re not the pope, Ben.”

“So, are you stalling, or…?” A hint of concern tightened his expression, and he fidgeted with the open ring box. It was a simple band with a small heart-shaped diamond. It looked like it might have belonged to a child. Lanie couldn’t imagine him going out and buying it.

“Where did you get this?”

“It was my mother’s. It’s a promise ring, ironically, but I wanted to give you something from my family. And it reminds me of how we met. If it wasn’t for my celibacy challenge, I never would have gone to Qalcad. I had it sized to fit you. Anything can be made new, with love.”

He still looked so hopeful. And she was still so afraid. But where could they go from here? She did want him to come back. She just wasn’t quite expecting this pomp and circumstance. Somehow, this made it more real. More of an opportunity for things to go terribly wrong again. Ups and downs, sure, they’d managed those. But another catastrophe? She wasn’t sure her heart could take it. They were already married. If she said no, would he take it as her not wanting to be with him? If she said yes…

He touched her cheek, and she automatically leaned into his hand. Her body knew him. It recognized him, and belonged to him. “My love. What’s going on in that pretty head?”

“I’m just…scared.”

“Was this all a little too much?”

She hated to see the worry in his face. That cloud that obstructed the sun. A cloud that she put there, more often than not. “I keep losing you.”

He nodded, compassion flooding his expression. “I get it. I thought that too, when I wanted to walk away. But as far as I figure, we only have as much time as we have here on this earth. I’d rather spend it with the people I care about, even if it’s hard, and no matter how long or short it is. As much as I’m looking forward to heaven, earth is a special experience, and however long this little forever ends up being, I want to get as much as I can out of it. Being with you is a leap of faith.”

At last, she took the ring. “Forever?” she asked tentatively.

He slipped it on and then kissed her hand. “No matter what.”

• YouTube
• Twitter
• WordPress
• Facebook
• LinkedIn
• Mail
• Spotify
• Instagram
• Link
• Patreon