Forever and Always

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All he’d ever wanted was to belong. He did what he could to look his best. He did whatever the cool kids were doing. He was a legend in his schools for being able to party all night and still pull straight-A’s later that morning, then go out again that night to celebrate. He tried to be helpful and useful, and worked as hard as he could to earn the love, admiration, and affection of those around him. He drank up their praise like the alcohol that washed down the pills he was handed. And when the loneliness still continued to stalk him, he’d push himself to the brink, just for the relief of coming back. Anything, anything to avoid being alone.

Knuckles white as he clutched his sheets, Ben stared hard at the wall in front of him, teetering on the edge once again. Lanie hadn’t come yesterday, and he couldn’t bring himself to text her and ask when she’d be stopping by. If she would. He had that horrible, sinking feeling he’d gotten whenever his hyperactive energy had gotten him in trouble as a kid, and he’d wait to be sent away. He hadn’t stopped to consider the potential consequences of his actions. He thought he was doing the right thing, but maybe he’d been terribly, terribly wrong.

He only had a limited number of ways to fill that quickly widening sinkhole of panic and pending abandonment. He realized for the first time how much he had lost by letting himself get so hurt. He couldn’t travel. He couldn’t even really walk. He couldn’t cook, or build, or groom himself the way he liked. His body was weak, unkempt and useless, and he felt like he’d never get his strength back. He didn’t have anyone to talk to other than the staff who came in to clean or check on him. The first time he’d been hospitalized, Jake sometimes came to quietly play cards with him, Uno or Crazy Eights or Snap, while Ben told him everything that came to mind. Dr. Roche had been by, shaking his head in disbelief.

“We ought to name a wing after you,” he said with a wink. Ben had smiled weakly in embarrassment.

This time, Jake hadn’t been by. Ben thought he could at least count on Jake to come and visit. But maybe Ben had complained about him one too many times. Maybe Jake was sick of him, too.

Just when he thought he would expire from desperation, there was a knock at the door. But he wasn’t sure it was someone he wanted to see. “Who is it?” His voice was weak. Hoarse from disuse.

“Hello, sweetheart,” said Rowan Anderson, bustling in with a big bag. “I heard you were back in here.”

“Hello, Mrs. Anderson,” he replied politely, shifting up in the bed with a wince.

Without saying anything else, she came and sat beside him, taking his hand. His discomfort was immeasurable. Here was the woman whose daughter he’d hurt. The woman who, today, might have been his mother-in-law, if things had been different. What would it have been like to be part of the Anderson family? Lilah had told him so many stories of the trips and game nights and family reunions that her parents had taken her and her brother, Jonathan, to. Murphy could have been his baby. Did Rowan know? What had Lilah told them about their time in Mexico? Ben recalled it as one of the longest sober stretches he’d had since he was thirteen. The four months had been brutal in terms of withdrawal, but the sense of fulfilment and accomplishment and belonging had been worth it. And now…

“Lanie says you’re quite the man,” Rowan said in her soft, feathery voice. “She couldn’t stop talking about you today.”

He perked up. “Really? How is she?”

She furrowed her brow. “Haven’t you seen her?”

He shrugged, trying to act nonchalant. “She’s busy. I saw her a couple of days ago.”

Rowan frowned. “I do hope she’s not hiding.”

Cold trickled down her spine. “What do you mean?”

She sighed. “I only say this because I’ve seen how much you two have grown over the years, but I’m sure you still don’t know much about her. Emotionally, I mean. Lanie is the kind of person who loves others with everything that she’s got. She will never say the words out loud, and she doesn’t love a lot of people, but when she does, it consumes her. It makes her loyal to a fault, but it also makes her vulnerable. And that vulnerability scares her. And that fear makes her angry. Or makes her hide. She’s afraid that her love is poison, and that anyone she cares about will either end up hurt, or hurting her. She’d rather run and hide than let that happen.”

He chewed his finger. “She was pretty quiet the last time she came to see me.”

“You really scared her Ben. A lot, it seems.”

“You could say that. I saw my life flash before my eyes a few times.” It was starting to feel a bit like a dream, like it had happened to someone else. Just like the flashbacks of all the homes and all the hotels. Just another patch in the patchwork of his life.

“There’s only so much of that a girl can take, you know.” Rowan’s gaze turned accusatory, in a motherly sort of way.

“All I wanted was to get some help,” he protested. “It’s not like I want to end up back here.” He motioned with the arm that hosted an ugly IV needle pumping meds into him to counter his overdoseThe only thing keeping him from going insane.

She looked pointedly down at her arm. “Are you sure?”

He froze, staring at her. “Of course.”

She shook her head. “You are just like my Jonathan.” Before he could ask what that meant, she patted his hand. “Sometimes when there’s a pattern…you have to wonder.” 

He scowled. “I want to get out of here, and get back to my life.”

“What is your life, without your family?”

The question stumped him. What was his life? What did that even mean? But then again, what was he going to do once he was back on his feet? Go back to Qalcad to finish out the year? Go back to his firm and take over from the general manager after all these years? Travel somewhere else? Unmoored, he stared at an empty ocean of possibilities devoid of any spark of inspiration. All he’d wanted was to have a happily-ever-after with Lanie and Dre. Now, he wasn’t sure whether he’d see them again.

“I have no idea anymore. I’m lost.”

Gently, Rowan touched his face, then his chest, right over his heart. “Ben. You are a kind, talented, and ambitious man. But everyone has a time in their life where they have to ask themselves what it is they really want. I think you’re in that place right now. It happened to my Lilah, and I hope that you can make a better choice than her.”

“What do you mean by that?”

“Lilah is a wonderful girl, but she’s so worried about what everyone else thinks about her that she doesn’t always think about what it is she really wants. She stayed in a toxic marriage for years because she was convinced that she’d be better off trying to fix it than focusing on what was missing inside of herself. Then she married a criminal. It broke her heart, and I know that she regrets it now. I know it hurts her deeply that he didn’t keep her vows. It hurt all of us, really. The whole situation is a tragic one. And yet she still holds on to him. To some dream that can never be.” 

He thought of the gorgeous, blue-eyed brunette with the sweet, pure light around her. The thought of someone hurting her made him sick. Then he realized that he’d done the same thing, way back when in Mexico. “She deserved better,” he murmured, staring out at the mountains.

“Yes. I don’t know what happened between you and my daughter.” He gave her a surprised look. “She won’t talk about it, as much as I try. Maybe it’s for the best. It’s in the past, right?”

He nodded slowly. His body remembered the feel of holding her and kissing her under a sky full of stars, and his heart remembered the intimate talks that they had shared. But in a way, it felt like a dream, too. Lilah wasn’t the young woman that she’d been back then, and he had changed, too.

“So, don’t let your past hold you back, okay? You don’t have anything to prove. You’re enough, just as you are.”

His eyes stung. Had anyone ever told him that? “You wouldn’t say that if you knew all the things I’ve done.”

Rowan laughed. “You wouldn’t say that if you knew all the things I’ve done. I’m in no place to judge you, Ben Goldberg. I just came because after today’s parenting session, I figured that you might also be in need of a listening ear. I keep telling Bob he needs to start up the men’s group again, but sometimes it’s in one ear and out the other with him.” She shook her head in affectionate exasperation. “We both care about you a great deal. And God still loves you, Ben, even if you did leave the church once. That kind of love doesn’t just go away, and it’s waiting for you, whenever you’re ready.”

He swallowed. “I’m not sure about all that. But it’s good to hear, I guess.”

“You just let me know if you want to talk to Bobby. He’s got a much better way with words than I do, and he’d be happy to sit with you for a bit.”

“Maybe….”

“In the meantime, you’ve got to look after yourself. There’s no point being here if you’re going to let yourself deteriorate.” Standing, Rowan went to the rolling tray table next to his bed, where a stockpile of packed snack foods, gum, and pop that Lanie had grudgingly brought him were within easy reach of the bed. With an efficient sweep of her arm, she pushed them all into her giant purse.

“Mrs. Anderson!” he exclaimed in horror.

She pulled containers and packages out of her bag. Trail-mix with dried fruit. Apples. Cheese cubes, pepperoni sticks, wheat crackers, and a jar of peanut butter. She filled the night table beside him, as well. “I told you before, you’re going to give yourself diabetes, if you haven’t already. It’s time to stop moping, and start doing something about your situation.” The judgmental callipers of her fingers pinched his cheek sternly. “No one can do it other than you. Now, I’d give that stubborn woman of yours a call.”

“I really don’t think she wants to see me,” he said dejectedly.

Rowan tsked. “Ben, do you care about that girl?”

“More than you know,” he sighed.

“Then listen to her. If you love her, you need to put her first.”

“That’s what I was trying to – ”

“No. You were doing what you thought was best, no matter what she keeps telling you she needs. Just like what I’m doing with these snacks. Do you like what I’m doing right now?” She shook the bag, and he cringed at the crunch of breaking chips.

“No. Does that mean you’re going to give them back?”

“Not a chance. Not if it will teach you a lesson. Your heart’s in the right place, so now you just need to listen to those around you. If you really want to sacrifice for her, then sacrifice your pride and your belief that you’re the only one who knows what’s best. Stop giving her reasons to be scared of what you’ll do next, if you want her to really relax into the relationship and trust you. Does that make sense?”

Slowly, he nodded, as hope began to fill him. “Yeah, I guess so. Thanks for that. Now do I get my food back?”

“Do you want to get stronger?”

He scowled at her. “I’ve been doing just fine managing my own diet for my whole life, thank you very much.” Reaching over, she pecked him on the cheek, then smiled cherubically. “That’s what I thought. Now, do it right this time.”

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