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Who was screaming? Groggily, Ben opened his leaden eyes and heaved himself up. Beside him, Lanie thrashed, tangled in blankets, moaning and crying. In the moonlight, her eyes were still closed, and her dark skin sparkled with sweat.
Awake now, he grasped her with one hand and the sheets with the other, fighting to free her. “Lanie! Baby, wake up! It’s okay. You’re okay.”
Finally, he was able to yank off the blanket and scoop her up. Her eyes darted wildly, and he struggled to keep hold of her. She seemed unable to reach full strength when she was half-asleep, but she still got in a couple of good hits.
“Lanie, stop it,” he commanded in his deepest voice, getting hold of both her wrists. At last her expression mostly cleared. Staring at him, she began to tremble. “That must have been quite the nightmare,” he soothed, trying not to snag her tangled hair as he stroked her.
She cried softly, arms limp at her sides.
“Can you tell me about it?” he asked, pulling back and grasping her face in his hands.
He wiped her tears with his thumbs. When she still didn’t speak, he kissed her, embracing her small, wiry frame. She kept her hands tucked between them, pressing into his chest. Could she feel the way his heart broke at whatever was making her cry? It must have been incredibly painful.
“Hey. Whatever it is, I’m here. You’re my wife. I’m never going to let anything happen to you.” After all they’d been through, he’d die first.
“I’m not doing enough,” she wailed, covering her eyes. “No matter what I do, it’s not enough. All those kids…”
Pressing her head to his chest in the way he knew she liked, he slowed his breathing, willing her to follow his lead. “What do you mean, my sweet?”
Taking a shuddering breath, she finally held him back, her arms barely reaching around him. “The thoughts just keep drowning me. I was on mission for ten years, and there’s still so many children suffering. And I can’t seem to understand how to be a mother. I’m not like all the other moms who make cupcakes for the whole class, or take their kids on cultural trips. I’m a terrible wife, I’m too busy, and – ”
“Whoa, whoa, Lanie! Where is this all coming from?” He peered at her in concern.
She threw her arms over her face. “I don’t know why you don’t just leave me, Ben. I’m sure you will, one day. You deserve someone who wants all the same things you want.”
He considered that. “I don’t think so. I’m in wrapped up in you, no matter what. I married you, and I don’t see how I could ever break that promise. I know I haven’t always upheld everything I vowed, but I won’t leave you. Especially now that I know God.”
“That’s how you feel now,” she reasoned. “But who knows how you’ll feel a few years from now? A few decades? Some people get divorced after 50 years.”
“Maybe. But I would be crazy to leave the sexiest octogenarian in the country. Maybe even the world.”
She gave him a look that was almost a smile.
“I wanna spend the rest of my life, with you by my side,” he sang softly, hoping the Lonestar song would seep into her heart.
“That’s just a silly song,” she griped, but she pressed her ear back to his chest, and he knew by now that no matter what she said, the gesture meant she was scared, but wanted him to keep going.
He finished “Amazed” then started on “Making Memories of Us.” She giggled a bit at the “warm, wet, kiss” part, and he grinned back, then proceeded to give her one.
“Ew! Ben, that’s gross,” she laughed, and his eyes fell on her, his chest tightening with how much he loved her laugh.
“What do you need from me right now?” he asked hesitantly.
“A Ben-alogue,” she replied after a moments thought.
“Excuse me?”
“You know. One of your long speeches where you go on and on about whatever. Just keep talking.” Her dark eyes glittered in the half-light, the promise of more tears just beyond the horizon.
Deciding not to be offended, he indulged her. Sometimes his words just needed to come out, and right now, he had things to say. Pressing his forehead to hers, he brushed his fingers over her soft skin before cradling her jaw.
“Lanie, you are an answer to a prayer I didn’t even know I was praying. None of us know the future. But can’t you use the past to make a pretty good guess? I’ve been a far from perfect husband, and we almost broke apart that one time, but I think we’re growing stronger every day. Even when I’m furious with you, or exasperated by your stubbornness and your bossiness, I don’t ever want to do life without you. Even when there’s times that our dreams don’t mesh, I know that if we are patient, we’ll build a new dream together.”
She was quiet and still, but matching her breathing to his, listening.
“And, you’re a great mom. A unique mom. I don’t think any two moms are the same, so there’s really no comparison. I think if you tried to bake us cupcakes, you might just kill us all and set off fire alarms in every house for a square kilometre around, so I’m sincerely grateful that you’ve abstained from that activity.” She punched his shoulder, glaring. He grinned back. “Dre thinks you’re cool, Sam basically wants to be you. And Summer thinks you’re a beautiful princess. All three of them love you.”
“Sam and Dre don’t listen to me,” she mumbled. “And Summer hides from me.”
“Well, Dre and Sam are independent, and Summer is a little…timid. But they all look up to you.”
She shrugged.
“And there’s no way you can save all the children Lanie. It’s not your job.”
“Someone’s got to do it.”
“Yes, but it’s not for you to do alone.” He stroked her hair. “My warrior queen. Your heart is as big as the ocean, but you can’t do it alone.” She didn’t speak or move, and he sighed inwardly, wanting so desperately to help her, to make her see.
“I’m not sure what else I can say. I just really hope you know that you are enough. You’re more than enough. Remember that song from our wedding? You’re everything to me, and the kids, and you have helped countless children around the world, and still are, even if you’re not on the ground. You will save countless more, when you’re ready to travel again. Please don’t believe anything else. Anything else is just not true.” He peered at her, trying to transfer his thoughts and feelings to her. Finally, he kissed her again, trying to pour all of his love for her into it, clutching her as though he would never let her go. Maybe he never would.
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