21 – Unfinished

#strongwomen #writer #author #entrepreneur #blog #blogger #canadian #alberta #kingdom #faith #godisgood #Jesuschrist #journal #personal #mentalhealth #parenting #mom #mompreneur #empathy #suicideprevention #depression #anxiety #borderline #truth

Sometimes it’s all just too much

Hey,

So I’m spiralling again, and wanted to write it down before I forget. This is different, not like a few days ago where the world was just painfully real. Now I’m deeply depressed again. So lonely that it hurts. I wish there was someone I could talk to. Someone who was here beside me. Things are so much worse when I go out and have a good time with friends or whatever but then ultimately come home to be alone. And yet this hopelessness sometimes plagues me that there’s no way that things will ever be different. No one will ever look at me that way and want more, want to touch this mess that I am with a ten-foot pole.

I keep feeling sad when I think about other borderlines. In real life and in the self-help books and novels and TV, it’s just so desperate and hopeless. A nauseating rollercoaster. A death sentence. The highest of highs and the lowest of lows. I’d rather just stay down.

I need a hug. I need a hug right now but I’ve screwed myself over too many times and I have no one. The people I do have I’m pretty sure they hate me, and if they don’t now they will eventually. My best friend is someone I haven’t even met in real life, and those closest to me either end up hating me and wanting nothing to do with me or I end up hating them because they hurt me in some way that I can’t even express.

I’m tired. I’m so done, so tired, and I am so fucking sad that there are no words for it. I’m a failure and a fraud and I know tomorrow it will feel like this isn’t even happening. Tomorrow I’ll probably be fine. I’m tired of gaslighting myself. I’m not doing it on purpose I know my mind is trying to protect me but I wish it would cut it out. I know my feelings are real, I know it. But I’m fading away. I’m melting back into the woodwork so that nobody sees what’s missing. I’m writing it down so I don’t forget.

Don’t forget me when I’m gone.

Thanks for Stopping by!

I hope you liked what you saw. What did you think of the topic? Leave a comment and start a discussion with your thoughts! Don’t forget to like and share with your best friends, mortal enemies, and everyone in between. Come back later to see if your icon appears in my subscriber cloud! Even better, validate my work by leaving a tip to support this (not actually) starving author. You can also support my company, Planet Hope Christian Enterprising, by donating to our crowdfunds on at GoFundMe and FundRazr down below. We are a non-profit providing pay-what-you-can creative and communication services to individuals and organizations – including you! By donating, you can help us reach our goal to provide top-rate creative and support services to charities and others who would like our help. But we can’t do it without your support, so even if you can’t give financially, please like, share, subscribe, and comment. Many blessings to you today and every day.

Stripe

Patreon

Never miss a post!