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Sometimes it’s all just too much
So I’m spiralling again, and wanted to write it down before I forget. This is different, not like a few days ago where the world was just painfully real. Now I’m deeply depressed again. So lonely that it hurts. I wish there was someone I could talk to. Someone who was here beside me. Things are so much worse when I go out and have a good time with friends or whatever but then ultimately come home to be alone. And yet this hopelessness sometimes plagues me that there’s no way that things will ever be different. No one will ever look at me that way and want more, want to touch this mess that I am with a ten-foot pole.
I keep feeling sad when I think about other borderlines. In real life and in the self-help books and novels and TV, it’s just so desperate and hopeless. A nauseating rollercoaster. A death sentence. The highest of highs and the lowest of lows. I’d rather just stay down.
I need a hug. I need a hug right now but I’ve screwed myself over too many times and I have no one. The people I do have I’m pretty sure they hate me, and if they don’t now they will eventually. My best friend is someone I haven’t even met in real life, and those closest to me either end up hating me and wanting nothing to do with me or I end up hating them because they hurt me in some way that I can’t even express.
I’m tired. I’m so done, so tired, and I am so fucking sad that there are no words for it. I’m a failure and a fraud and I know tomorrow it will feel like this isn’t even happening. Tomorrow I’ll probably be fine. I’m tired of gaslighting myself. I’m not doing it on purpose I know my mind is trying to protect me but I wish it would cut it out. I know my feelings are real, I know it. But I’m fading away. I’m melting back into the woodwork so that nobody sees what’s missing. I’m writing it down so I don’t forget.
Don’t forget me when I’m gone.
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“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him.”
~ Romans 15:13